Don't Call It A Comeback

Yeah it's been awhile... Let's cut out the pleasantries, I'm really busy with work so this is gonna be kinda like a drunken one night stand; we're gonna get right down to business and I'm gonna get you outta here before realize where I live to the point where you can find your way back here once you sober up.

It's the holiday season which to me means Christmas because I think Jesus is real like that. Couple of things about Christmas...

First of all Christmas carols... not a fan. I dunno if it's because I worked retail for like 138 years so I automatically associate the Little Drummer Boy with lines of impatient, pissed off rich people, or maybe I'm just a scrooge. Either way, I cannot stand them. Once I hear them my tolerance for the flaws of all other forms of life plummets, so I'm really hoping the bank I work for does not implement them in the in-office play. If they do, I might be in for another lay off because, not gonna lie, if I have to listen to someone threaten to pull out their $300, like I give a shit, if I don't waive a fee that they got through complete fault of themselves, WHILE listening to Silver Bells, I just might have an episode.

The other reason I think I'm against Christmas carols is because I can't really relate to them. I generally don't believe that music should be blissful and cheery. I'm more of the ilk that music should be a visceral, emotional experience which probably also explains why I'm not a huge fan of country music either. Granted, I don't know what it says about me as a person that I can relate more to Lil Wayne cooking crack in his kitchen than I can relate to the 8 pound 3 ounce baby Jesus away in a manger, but whattayagonnado?

Speaking of Jesus, as some of you know I have a pension for poker. I was watching the World Series of Poker main event from this year on ESPN, which is something I never do anymore, mostly because of things like this: Apparently the dude who won it all this year is some sort of born-again Jesus freak, which I really don't have a problem with. If you went through some bad shit in your life and then found God religion gave you the strength to overcome adversity, good for you. I come from the Malcolm X school of thought when it comes to making it through tragedy; by any means necessary. Here's the problem. I was watching this guy on TV and every time he was in a big hand, he would say things like "Please Jesus grant me the strength, oh thank you Jesus for allowing me to win..."

...

You're shitting me right?

Let me explain to you a little something about the do's and don't's of prayer. You do pray to God to help you make good decisions, deliver you from evil, allow you to be a morally strong individual, and pass an occasional midterm. You do not pray to God to win a poker game. Remember the Bible? Good. Okay now remember that part where Jesus went apeshit in the temple? God does not condone gambling. I'm not saying you shouldn't pray for assistance when you need it, I've done it before. All I'm saying is don't be surprised if this dude mysteriously gets cancer of the eyes sometime in the next year. Remember kids, God comes in two flavors: forgiving and merciful or angry and vengeful. Whether you get Mother Theresa or Harvey Keitel is up to you.

Second thing with Christmas is that they air these Jared Jewelers commercials non-fucking-stop where I live. Basically the gist of these things is, chick gets ring than brags to all her friends that, "He went to Jared," her friends swoon, guy looks great, all the other girls' boyfriends curse the name of dude who went to Jared for making them all look like chumps. Jared is a chain jewelry store here in the midwest... I repeat... JARED IS A CHAIN JEWELRY STORE. This means they sell trend diamond necklaces for $99.99 that they might as well hand you in a bag marked "Kingsford" He went to Jared, good for him, call me when he goes to Jakob. By the way, I could not find a Jared commercial on YouTube but I did find this fucking phenomenal parody... apparently I'm not the only person who thinks these commercials are inane:


That's pretty much it for now because honestly I'm a perfectionist and to format this thing up to my personal standards is pry gonna take me another two hours, but I'll try to come back soon.

Today's lesson: You can't get the Hope diamond at Wal-mart.