The kids are alright...

I don't smoke pot. I've done it before, I don't have anything against it, it's just not my thing. I would much rather get completely piss drunk if I want to voluntarily impair myself. That way I maybe wake up with a headache but I still have some snacks left in the cupboard and I don't have to go to drink Jell-O for three days straight if I feel like changing jobs. Besides, I never have to worry whether or not the chick selling me my Red Bull and vodka is a cop.

I do, however, love anti-drug commercials. They are either the most pitiful attempt at influencing the youth demographic I have ever seen, or the biggest inside joke in the history of public relations, I haven't decided yet. These commercials just plain laughable, either they're ridiculously cliche or they make stretches of logic that would make Mr. Fantastic be like "Damn."

Who can forget the one where the kids get high, are playing with a loaded gun, and the kid shoots his friend in the face? By the way bear in mind that this kid getting his brain Jackson Pollocked all over a suburban den had nothing to do with the proper securing of a firearm, but instead the recreational use of cannabis. So let me get this straight... It's perfectly okay to keep a loaded .357 in an unlocked desk drawer when you have kids in the house, but little Bobby tokes it up every once in a while you're a bad parent? Interesting theory...

Smoking pot isn't gonna make your kid shoot his friend in the face, but it might make him think it's hilarious.

This new one is my favorite though:

Okay first of all, let's get something straight; if you're so fucked up that you think your pets are talking to you, you're smoking something a lot harder that marijuana.

Second of all, does anyone really think that kids who are smoking pot care if their dog is disappointed in them? I mean this is better than the old strategy they used where the kid's friend would confront them which was just plain illogical because let's just be honest; if you're getting high, your friends are probably getting high too.

Heroin junkies get high by themselves. Potheads? not so much.

These commercials are not going to scare kids into not smoking pot. Hell most of these commercials would be absolutely HILARIOUS if you watched them while high, so that's not getting us anywhere with our target demographic.

Now I've been in sales for quite a long time. In sales we have a concept called the "hot button." The hot button is what matters most to your audience. Once you know what your customer's hot button is, if you're good, you can exploit it to sell them pretty much anything, it's basic psychology. So what's a teenager's hot button? Popularity. It always has been, it always will be.

If popularity can get homophobic 16 year old males to walk around in pink shirts with their collars popped and faux-hawks, it can get the same kid to stop smoking weed, I'm sure of it.

You want to scare kids into not doing drugs? Do a commercial about a 35 year old guy who lives in his mom's basement, drives a 1994 Toyota Corolla, and hasn't gotten laid in 10 years because he's smoked himself so retarded he can't get promoted past being a cashier at Office Max. Not only is that a reasonable leap to make, it's a hell of a lot scarier than a talking dog.

It's not rocket science, it's just market research. If the Office of National Drug Control Policy put the same effort into marketing that Abercrombie & Fitch does, I wouldn't have had a roommate in college who talked about the legalization of pot like it was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

"Dude, when the legalization comes, we're gonna be able to smoke anywhere we want to. You'll be able to go to Walgreen's to buy it man, and it'll be ten times better than the shit we have now. They already did it places in Europe and that stuff is unbelievable, and once they make it legal here we'll have stuff like that an we're gonna be able to smoke it everywhere and the cops won't be able to do shit. Plus, think of all the money the government is gonna be able to make if they tax it, (see inset above)"

The duck says... "Quack quack."

The cow says... "Mooooooooooo."

The Keanu says... "Whoa."

Like I said, I have nothing against people who like to smoke pot. I do, however, have a problem with people who are that fanatical about anything, but that's an entirely different story. I really don't care if they legalize marijuana or not, but guess what? Not gonna happen.

You want reasons? Here's two:

First of all, there's no way that I'm aware of to do a field sobriety test for Marijuana. So if you're driving in your car high, how are the cops supposed to tell if you're too high to drive legally? Sure if you're passed out at the wheel, you pry shouldn't be cruisin' downtown scopin' for chicks, but unfortunately they need a scientific measure that would hold up in court.

Second, the government has been telling us for over 50 years that marijuana is the devil. There is no way in hell (thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week and PLEASE take care of your waitresses, they've been taking care of you) they're gonna turn back now.

Regardless of whether or not pot is as bad as they say it is, or if it makes suburban kids turn into felons, or if it's a gateway drug to shooting horse with a hooker in a Soho motel bathroom, or when you smoke a joint an angel dies whatever, doesn't matter. If they change their story now, they're gonna look like assholes. If our government was okay with looking like assholes, we would've pulled out of Iraq a year ago. If thousands of young American lives aren't worth admitting they made a mistake, I really don't think Congress cares if some kid wants to get blazed out of his mind and watch The Wall and still be within the boundaries of the law.

Sorry buddy, I guess you'll have to get a real job and sell out to the man so you can afford a flight to Amsterdam.

Today's Lesson: If you really could get high on life, the CIA would be selling it.

"I am the angel of death... now rub my belly."

It must've been a really slow news day on Thursday, because this story actually made the Chicago Tribune. Now being a journalism major in college, there's nothing I dislike more than soft news. It violates a clear principle of journalism, what we called in my college courses the "Who really gives a shit?" test. If I wanted to hear a feel good story, I'd watch a Hallmark movie of the week. Couldn't this space be used for something that might actually inform the public like oh, I dunno, relevant political discussion? Oh wait I forgot, the media hasn't been in that business since Ben Franklin.

Anyway, so I'm reading this story. This cat has to be stopped. I can't believe it hasn't occurred to someone at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center to wax this feline? Don't get me wrong I love animals. I worked at a no-kill shelter when I was growing up. My parents, in fact, have quite a few cats of their own that I care about very much, one of whom, coincidentally happens to be named Oscar.

The difference is, my Oscar doesn't kill people.

Plus if you read the article, it's clear that this cat isn't exactly a prize either. They describe him as "aloof," which is basically a nice way of saying "an asshole."

Now I could go on a couple of paragraph rant about how "yes animals can be assholes," but I did that a couple of posts ago all I'm gonna say is, not all of my parents' cats like me. When I first came back home one of them didn't like me getting my room back so he pissed on my clothes.

Animals can also be assholes.

But not only is this cat an asshole, he's clearly murdering these people. If one of the nurses had a reputation like this, he or she would've been arrested eight kills ago for crying out loud. If my grandfather was still alive and at this hospital and I saw this cat milling around his room, I would prolly put on a pair of gloves (so he wouldn't kill me of course) and dropkick this little bastard. Nothing personal, but I'm not letting this four legged Manson kill my grandpa.

But I know PETA's got a shitload of lobbying dollars, so the chances Oscar getting tactically eliminated probably aren't that good. So that being said can't we at least put this cat to better use? I mean most of these old people were probably gonna die anyway, why don't we lock Oscar in a room with Michael Vick for a while, see what happens? Use him to fight the insurgency in Iraq perhaps? I mean it would be a shame to let this unique talent go to waste.

Speaking of wastes of talent, can we just give Michael Vick the chair already? I'm serious, Ron Mexico needs to die.

Not because he abused some dogs, (even though that story make even my cold heart want to puke) but because he's clearly a role model to today's youth. It's obvious at this point that it is physically impossible for him to show the young men, who without doubt look up to him because of his athletic accomplishments, how to conduct themselves with dignity and integrity, so why don't we, as the kids say, "flip it on him?

If we can't use this guy as an example of how hard work pays off, instead let's use him as an example of how God will strike down those who take the gifts given to them for granted? This clown has damned a perfectly good football team to a decade of mediocrity and is obviously as dumb as a bag of hammers. I mean come on, nobody is gonna miss this guy, not even Joe Horn (which, btw, when did get get moved to the ATL? I like him he doesn't deserve that.)

This guy is a disgrace to America's game (sorry baseball, I thought you knew). He's clearly a complete moron with entirely too much money and not enough common sense. He's gotta go.

Today's lesson: Guns don't kill people, cats kill people.

Sorry for the layoff

As if I have readers let alone loyal ones, ha.

New post coming tomorrow, might do it at work, we'll see.

"Dude... who ate all the amber waves of grain?"

Today is a great day in American history. On this, our nation's birthday, one man reminded us all of they type of resolve our forefathers embodied in opposing tyranny and forming our great country.


Joey Chestnut has defeated Takeru Kobayashi.

Seriously though this competitive eating thing has gotten completely out of hand. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone except ESPN that this is not a sport. Yet for some reason I haven't seen them blatantly over hype something this badly since the Arena football playoffs this past weekend.

Am I the only person is unable to watch these things without becoming nauseous? Wait... hold on... I'll answer that; no. Yet every 4th of July for the past three years sports fans have been force-fed (thank you, remember to tip your waitress) this garbage. Now it's been a while since I've cracked The Good Book, but I'm pretty sure a dude eating hot dogs making the first ten minutes of Sportscenter is the 6th Plague of Egypt.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind hearing about who won this thing in passing, like during the last five minutes of the ten o'clock news right after the story about the high school kids cleaning up a neighborhood park. What's disturbing is what was once an annual inside joke for Sportscenter became serious this year. When two days before the competition they are covering Kobayashi's injury, a sore jaw (read: God trying to tell him something), they've officially jumped the shark... while riding on the back of a clown.

Being able to eat over 60 hot dogs in 12 minutes is never something someone should be proud of. To herald it as an act of "conditioning" is just criminal.

See, competitive eating used to be cute. Like three years ago when people like Eric "Badlands" Booker and Ed "Cookie" Jarvis (that's right, they have their own websites) ruled the buffet.

There was no mistake that these guys were not athletes. It was "Hey let's watch some fatties give themselves type 2 diabetes," and everyone had a good time (by the way, there's nothing wrong with being fat, I'm not knocking fat people here, I'm knocking people who aren't honest with themselves.)

The hot dog eating contest was being billed as what it is; a bad carnival side show ("You guys want 4 tickets so I can see what? I can go on the fucking Tilt-A-Whirl for 3.")

Now the hot dog eating champion weighs in at a measly 230 pounds. A 230 pound guy who can eat get over 60 hot dogs in his mouth in under 12 minutes? I just hope and pray for his sake he never goes to prison.


Seriously though, this is bullshit. If I am going to waste my 4 tickets to watch this unnatural act, I want to see it being done by someone who is going to have to be lifted out of their house with a fucking crane when they die.

I don't want to see someone eat 60 hot dogs because they want to be on ESPN.

I want to see someone eat 60 hot dogs because they are hungry.

Now this is billed with all the pageantry of a heavyweight fight as "athletes pushing themselves to the edge of their physical capabilities." It's not "He just threw up all over himself," it's "Uh oh, looks like Jarvis suffered a reversal."

A "reversal."

You're shitting me right?

Listen, if it really was a "reversal," I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of a bar for doing it on my 22nd birthday.

Now I'm all for having good time while enjoying culinary delights. I've used whipped cream for other than it's intended purpose on multiple occasions. Some days it takes me a half hour to decide what to have for lunch simply because I love food.

Hell, I had a friend when I was in high school that myself and two other friends bet that he couldn't eat 100 Taco Bell tacos. He did it in three hours and only puked twice and it was awesome.

This is out of hand, though.

Stuff like this should be reserved for frat houses and Paul Newman movies.

So here I sit, watching some joker hoist the American flag with pride as Scott Van Pelt waxes philosophical about how Kobayashi losing marks the end of an era in sports, not unlike the retirement of Lance Armstrong.

I think I'm about to have a reversal.

Today's lesson: Move over bowling, golf, and NASCAR; you've got company.

If you can't beat em, go on monster.com.

Corporate training videos are the greatest invention of modern time.

If not for these cinematic gems, millions of high school kids would be incapable of selling you a 4 year service plan on your DVD player.

More importantly, they are the best source of unintentional comedy this side of Dog: The Bounty Hunter.

(I'm gonna go on a slight tangent here but don't worry it will all come back full circle.

Dog: The Bounty Hunter is, ironically, the crystal meth of television.

Nobody ever intends to get hooked on Dog: The Bounty Hunter. One day, you're at someone's house and someone is watching Dog: The Bounty Hunter. You sit down and you say "what the hell I'll watch it for a minute, what's the worst thing that can happen?" Next thing you know you're hooked. Now you're not just watching DTBH, you're Tivoing DTBH. You're obviously hiding your DTBH addiction from your friends, family, and co-workers because you're afraid of what they might think. As much as you try to hold it together and be a recreational DTBH viewer, eventually it begins to become a major part of your life.

You start using the word "Brah" in casual conversations. You talk to your friends about "turning a page in their life" Your neighbor borrows a power tool and doesn't give it back for three months, but you still loan it to him again the next time because you're convinced he's "a good guy and wants to make a change." Do you want know why Dog: The Bounty Hunter captivates us so? It's a show based on people of the same intellectual level these corporate training videos are aimed at. Now if that's not wrapped in a pretty little package slap my face and call me Sally.)

They are beautifully paradoxical, first they wax poetic as to how an employee who uses the following procedures will be wildly successful, then they proceed to explain the procedures as if the people the video was intended for function only slightly above someone with a severe learning disability.

I work for a very large company, and like most very large companies they use a cookie-cutter approach to employee training. Translation: "Let's hand out jobs like halloween candy, then mold the impressionable idiots into robots while hoping we can get enough production out of the overachievers to justify hiring them even though they're going to realize that they're really not that desperate for a job, get sick of our bullshit and quit in a year."

As a result of this philosophy, we are treated to a steady stream of the aforementiong training videos. So there I sit today, anxiously awaiting the latest corporate video treat like I haven't figured out yet that Soylent Green is people.

If Mystery Science Theatre 3000 had access to these things they would still be on the air and the producers would be using Emmy's as hood ornaments.

An actual line from the video:

"Now that you have the customer in front of you, log on to (data entry system) and click "yes" in response to the "Is the customer present?" question."

Are you serious?

Ok, now I'm not rich by any means but for a punk kid fresh out of college, I'm well above par on the pay scale which makes me wonder... Who are they hiring for this job that this needs to be explained? I would think this problem could be solved by a few slight modifications to the application:


In the following section please circle either Yes or No and provide addition information as prompted:

In the past five years have you committed a felony? Yes No
If you answered "Yes" to the above question, please explain:

In the past five years have you committed a misdemeanor (other than traffic related offenses)? Yes No
If you answered "Yes" to the above question, please explain:

In the past five years have you ever fucked up a glass of water? Yes No

Let's be honest. Employers do not want intelligence. Intelligence leads to opinions and things like independent thought. That shit is the syringe on the beach of corporate America. Unless you're interviewing for a CEO spot they're really not looking for the kid who graduated at the top of his class and wants to change the world.

They're looking for the kid who started smoking because that cartoon camel played pool like a madman.

Today's lesson: Surgeron General's Warning: Free thought may be hazardous to your career.

Baby at a ballgame...

One question... Why?

What would ever possess someone to take a baby to a ballgame? The kid isn't going to remember the game. The kid is too young to have the cognitive ability to have any real rooting interest, except maybe to hate Duke, a tendency which is born into all of us and can only be brainwashed out later in life. The best part is you have to lug the kid around the arena/stadium/Wrigley Field what have you.

This can't end well, it can only end okay.

Best case scenario the baby is quiet, doesn't soil his/herself and you only have to carry the baby around a crowded ballpark.

Worst case scenario, the kid has to be changed three times in a nine inning ballgame, 5 innings of which are spent bawling his or her lungs out and seriously ruining the good time of people around you.


High School kids need money to buy pot.

Grandparents need something to do on a Sunday afternoon.

This is a completely unecessary risk.

I have nothing against kids, the majority of them are very cute and only a few of them are assholes (and yes a kid can be an asshole, if you're reading this saying "it's just a phase" or "Jimmy just screams all the time and doesn't share because he doesn't know any better" guess what, your kid is an asshole). But a kid under the age of 4 has no place at a ballgame.

Which brings me to my next point...

If you have a kid between the ages of 4 and 14 and you do take him/her to a ballgame know what you're getting yourself into. If you don't want little Timmy (you wouldn't want take Jimmy, he's an asshole) to see loud drunken people and hear colorful language, don't take him to the game.

Guess what? It's not about "I paid (insert obscene monetary figure here) for this seat and I have a right to get hammered and cuss out J.J. Hardy." That's an ignorant argument, you're right, but it's not about that. It's simple; realize where you're going. If you're going to a ballgame there are going to be drunk people there acting in a less than civilized manner, depending on where the game is there may be quite a few. Don't act all suprised and shocked or shoot dirty looks when you go to the game with Timmy and the guy next to you is piss drunk and advises every player on the opposing team to "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" everytime they come to the plate.

That would be like getting saying "Hey I got an idea, let's have a knife fight," and then getting pissed when some dude stabs you.

I know this may come as a shock to some people but 99.9% of the people (unless you're at a Blue Jays game then it's 91%... Canadians usually prefer hockey) aren't thinking about whether or not they're being a good influence on your child.

Today's lesson: Don't bring your beeper to church and don't bring your wedding dress to a tomato fight.