I'm all about scientific advancement for the bettering of society, but this is just showing off.
WARNING: Link completely not safe for work/children/small animals.
http://www.smellmeand.com/index_2.html
Personally, if I really wanted to get that smell on me, I think I could probably find a way that was a whole hell of a lot more fun and possibly even less expensive.
Today's Lesson: Remember just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Heavy Breathing, Amazon.com
So it was a great day for phone at work the other day. I had a customer call in who wanted something done so I pull up her information in the computer system and begin helping her... comic gold ensues.
Me: "Sorry the computer is taking a bit long to access your information, I guess it doesn't like you." (Common lame joke/icebreaker used on a daily basis to offset the aggravation that our systems at work were made in 197fucking5)
Customer: (laughs) "Well I tell you what, if I was there, well I would just SPANK that computer, I would SPANK it."
Me: (Wait... you're shitting me right?) "Well miss, I'm not sure if that would necessarily have the desired effect" (Read: "We got a live one, let's just see where this is gonna go shall we?")
Customer: "Well I guess it works better in some situations than others I guess."
Me: "That's for sure."
Every once in a while, I do love my job. Keep in mind while I'm talking to this woman I have one of my funnier co-workers standing next to me completely LOSING it over the fact that this woman's birthday in the system and her fiance's birthday are roughly 20 years apart... no typo.
Dude seriously, stop saying that shit in your rhymes, the more you say it the more people wonder. When you watch the First 48 and the dude didn't kill the guy he says "Yeah I knew him, but I don't know what you're talking about," not "I didn't do it." Comprende?
Me: "Sorry the computer is taking a bit long to access your information, I guess it doesn't like you." (Common lame joke/icebreaker used on a daily basis to offset the aggravation that our systems at work were made in 197fucking5)
Customer: (laughs) "Well I tell you what, if I was there, well I would just SPANK that computer, I would SPANK it."
Me: (Wait... you're shitting me right?) "Well miss, I'm not sure if that would necessarily have the desired effect" (Read: "We got a live one, let's just see where this is gonna go shall we?")
Customer: "Well I guess it works better in some situations than others I guess."
Me: "That's for sure."
Every once in a while, I do love my job. Keep in mind while I'm talking to this woman I have one of my funnier co-workers standing next to me completely LOSING it over the fact that this woman's birthday in the system and her fiance's birthday are roughly 20 years apart... no typo.
Dude seriously, stop saying that shit in your rhymes, the more you say it the more people wonder. When you watch the First 48 and the dude didn't kill the guy he says "Yeah I knew him, but I don't know what you're talking about," not "I didn't do it." Comprende?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Format for this post totally bitten from Hrbek, his blog makes your blog feel deeply flawed and inadequate... Sorry, thought you knew.
Today's Lesson: Client calls > Box of chocolates
Format for this post totally bitten from Hrbek, his blog makes your blog feel deeply flawed and inadequate... Sorry, thought you knew.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This thing about putting TV shows on DVD has officially gone too fucking far. Just warning you all, if you start seeing the Big Bang Theory box set, don't cut me off in traffic because I'm hording guns, as the rapture is clearly coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is hilarious. For those of you not familiar with Kyle Farnsworth he was a long time middle reliever for the Chicago Cubs who, last time I heard, was with the Yankees. Basically he throws nothing but heat with zero to little movement on it. He also has a slider that finds the backstop pretty much every other time he throws it. I have a friend who used to work for the local ESPN radio affiliate who can attest to the fact that Kyle believes a balanced breakfast includes cereal, a serving of fruit, and a couple of grams of cocaine.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
And 1
A couple more, I would make another post tomorrow that would be cheating and feigning consistent creativity... that and I would totally forget this stuff.
- I promise to begin watching the NBA again as soon as the league can go one full season without any players punching any other players in the balls. I realize this means I will probably miss Lebron James' entire career but that's okay, it's my cross.
- As anyone who can scroll this page knows, I was a big Dog The Bounty Hunter fan. Not too long ago it came out that he used a racial slur when talking about his son's girlfriend, during taping of an episode no less. I must admit, I'm torn. Don't get me wrong, it is never acceptable for a white person to use that word to describe a black person, but part of me can't help but believe that Dog is just plain too ignorant to understand that. Just to be sure though let's run through the checklist:
Poorly Educated? Check.
Did Time? Check.
Mullet? Check.
Shit... he IS a racist. Too bad, he was entertaining for a while there. Oh well since he's done for we might as well make it worthwhile. Time to fire up the petition to have A&E trick him into moving his office from Hawaii to Jamaica Queens, as this guy has clearly worn out his usefulness to this world. For the record, if they had given Tim an asp as I had suggested, this never would have happened.
In all seriousness, dude, it's your son's girlfriend... all racism is ignorant, but you mean to tell me you can't even put the confederate flag away for family? What a useless human being.
- Speaking of racism, as much as I hate the guy because I'm a Bears fan, I gotta believe Cedric Benson is telling the truth. Austin, Texas, come on they do racism down there like Pizza Hut apparently does pasta now. It's a fucking disgrace that this type of shit still goes on.
- By the way, I just realized that the title of this post is an unintentional pun with the first topic... totally did that shit on accident, apparently I'm that good.
- Also, apparently one of the Google ads that shows up on the right hand of my page is a link to a page about the rapture... yes, THAT rapture. I saw this and literally laughed out loud. I will now be referencing the rapture in this blog as much a reasonably possible.
Today's lesson: Apparently you can't fit books in a Double Wide
- I promise to begin watching the NBA again as soon as the league can go one full season without any players punching any other players in the balls. I realize this means I will probably miss Lebron James' entire career but that's okay, it's my cross.
- As anyone who can scroll this page knows, I was a big Dog The Bounty Hunter fan. Not too long ago it came out that he used a racial slur when talking about his son's girlfriend, during taping of an episode no less. I must admit, I'm torn. Don't get me wrong, it is never acceptable for a white person to use that word to describe a black person, but part of me can't help but believe that Dog is just plain too ignorant to understand that. Just to be sure though let's run through the checklist:
Poorly Educated? Check.
Did Time? Check.
Mullet? Check.
Shit... he IS a racist. Too bad, he was entertaining for a while there. Oh well since he's done for we might as well make it worthwhile. Time to fire up the petition to have A&E trick him into moving his office from Hawaii to Jamaica Queens, as this guy has clearly worn out his usefulness to this world. For the record, if they had given Tim an asp as I had suggested, this never would have happened.
In all seriousness, dude, it's your son's girlfriend... all racism is ignorant, but you mean to tell me you can't even put the confederate flag away for family? What a useless human being.
- Speaking of racism, as much as I hate the guy because I'm a Bears fan, I gotta believe Cedric Benson is telling the truth. Austin, Texas, come on they do racism down there like Pizza Hut apparently does pasta now. It's a fucking disgrace that this type of shit still goes on.
- By the way, I just realized that the title of this post is an unintentional pun with the first topic... totally did that shit on accident, apparently I'm that good.
- Also, apparently one of the Google ads that shows up on the right hand of my page is a link to a page about the rapture... yes, THAT rapture. I saw this and literally laughed out loud. I will now be referencing the rapture in this blog as much a reasonably possible.
Today's lesson: Apparently you can't fit books in a Double Wide
Random Thoughts
Sorry kids, no pictures... I'm going substance over style on this one.
- Fact: The four people who actually subscribed to this blog just fell the fuck over dead in shock that I've actually made a post.
- Fact: The democrats are somehow going to find a way to lose the Presidential election this year. The current REPUBLICAN president has some of the lowest approval ratings ever, his cabinet is pretty much synonymous in the mainstream media with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yet somehow the democratic party is going to figure out a way to run itself so far into the ground in a protracted primary that John McCain will probably win. That's like winning the lottery and then not being able to find a 7-11. Howard Dean and the rest of the committee should have picked one, hit the other one with a tranq dart, and called it a fucking day a month ago.
- Fact: Suze Orman is a clown... if you're listening to this woman I'm seriously sorry. If wanted to listen to someone bitch people out with little or no basis in reality for an hour, I would have watched The Simple Life. (Ooooooo link... pretty) Seriously, this chick is a liability and pretty much a perfect example of what's wrong with all of these financial advising shows. I work in the finance industry, trust me if Suze really was even a halfway decent advisor, she wouldn't be on TV because she would be making way more money advising.
- Fact: If I went through the trouble of putting on pants and driving my happy ass to a nice Italian restaurant and then when I got done eating some dude came out and told me that Pizza Hut delivered the pasta, I would most definitely snap on somebody and there's about a 35% chance I leave in cuffs.
- Fact: The mainstream print media is dying. Without getting into too much detail, I had a reporter from a local paper call me the other day trying to get a comment from me for a story she was going to write painting my company in a bad light. I'm not offended she wanted to make me look bad as much as I'm offended she actually thought I was dumb enough to give her quotes to take out of context to put me on blast in the morning paper. I may be brash, I'm not fucking stupid. This is just a symptom of a much more serious problem though; the mainstream print media is so concerned with fledgling sales they're no long concerned with actually accurately reporting the news. The more sensational the story, villainous the antagonist, innocent the victim, the more copy that sells, regardless of whether or not the story is accurate or objective. Goodbye New York Times, hello National Enquirer. Honestly it's just disappointing, journalists are just as corrupt and money hungry as the "evil" people and corporations they supposedly "expose." Way to forget where you came from, die slow.
Fact: Wasted Education - Now with 20% more anger.
Today's Lesson: Libel is written, slander is spoken
- Fact: The four people who actually subscribed to this blog just fell the fuck over dead in shock that I've actually made a post.
- Fact: The democrats are somehow going to find a way to lose the Presidential election this year. The current REPUBLICAN president has some of the lowest approval ratings ever, his cabinet is pretty much synonymous in the mainstream media with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yet somehow the democratic party is going to figure out a way to run itself so far into the ground in a protracted primary that John McCain will probably win. That's like winning the lottery and then not being able to find a 7-11. Howard Dean and the rest of the committee should have picked one, hit the other one with a tranq dart, and called it a fucking day a month ago.
- Fact: Suze Orman is a clown... if you're listening to this woman I'm seriously sorry. If wanted to listen to someone bitch people out with little or no basis in reality for an hour, I would have watched The Simple Life. (Ooooooo link... pretty) Seriously, this chick is a liability and pretty much a perfect example of what's wrong with all of these financial advising shows. I work in the finance industry, trust me if Suze really was even a halfway decent advisor, she wouldn't be on TV because she would be making way more money advising.
- Fact: If I went through the trouble of putting on pants and driving my happy ass to a nice Italian restaurant and then when I got done eating some dude came out and told me that Pizza Hut delivered the pasta, I would most definitely snap on somebody and there's about a 35% chance I leave in cuffs.
- Fact: The mainstream print media is dying. Without getting into too much detail, I had a reporter from a local paper call me the other day trying to get a comment from me for a story she was going to write painting my company in a bad light. I'm not offended she wanted to make me look bad as much as I'm offended she actually thought I was dumb enough to give her quotes to take out of context to put me on blast in the morning paper. I may be brash, I'm not fucking stupid. This is just a symptom of a much more serious problem though; the mainstream print media is so concerned with fledgling sales they're no long concerned with actually accurately reporting the news. The more sensational the story, villainous the antagonist, innocent the victim, the more copy that sells, regardless of whether or not the story is accurate or objective. Goodbye New York Times, hello National Enquirer. Honestly it's just disappointing, journalists are just as corrupt and money hungry as the "evil" people and corporations they supposedly "expose." Way to forget where you came from, die slow.
Fact: Wasted Education - Now with 20% more anger.
Today's Lesson: Libel is written, slander is spoken
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