Thursday, May 22, 2008

Quick Hit

I'm all about scientific advancement for the bettering of society, but this is just showing off.

WARNING: Link completely not safe for work/children/small animals.

Personally, if I really wanted to get that smell on me, I think I could probably find a way that was a whole hell of a lot more fun and possibly even less expensive.

Today's Lesson: Remember just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Heavy Breathing,

So it was a great day for phone at work the other day. I had a customer call in who wanted something done so I pull up her information in the computer system and begin helping her... comic gold ensues.

Me: "Sorry the computer is taking a bit long to access your information, I guess it doesn't like you." (Common lame joke/icebreaker used on a daily basis to offset the aggravation that our systems at work were made in 197fucking5)

Customer: (laughs) "Well I tell you what, if I was there, well I would just SPANK that computer, I would SPANK it."

Me: (Wait... you're shitting me right?) "Well miss, I'm not sure if that would necessarily have the desired effect" (Read: "We got a live one, let's just see where this is gonna go shall we?")

Customer: "Well I guess it works better in some situations than others I guess."

Me: "That's for sure."

Every once in a while, I do love my job. Keep in mind while I'm talking to this woman I have one of my funnier co-workers standing next to me completely LOSING it over the fact that this woman's birthday in the system and her fiance's birthday are roughly 20 years apart... no typo.

Dude seriously, stop saying that shit in your rhymes, the more you say it the more people wonder. When you watch the First 48 and the dude didn't kill the guy he says "Yeah I knew him, but I don't know what you're talking about," not "I didn't do it." Comprende?


Format for this post totally bitten from Hrbek, his blog makes your blog feel deeply flawed and inadequate... Sorry, thought you knew.


This thing about putting TV shows on DVD has officially gone too fucking far. Just warning you all, if you start seeing the Big Bang Theory box set, don't cut me off in traffic because I'm hording guns, as the rapture is clearly coming.


This is hilarious. For those of you not familiar with Kyle Farnsworth he was a long time middle reliever for the Chicago Cubs who, last time I heard, was with the Yankees. Basically he throws nothing but heat with zero to little movement on it. He also has a slider that finds the backstop pretty much every other time he throws it. I have a friend who used to work for the local ESPN radio affiliate who can attest to the fact that Kyle believes a balanced breakfast includes cereal, a serving of fruit, and a couple of grams of cocaine.

Today's Lesson: Client calls > Box of chocolates

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

And 1

A couple more, I would make another post tomorrow that would be cheating and feigning consistent creativity... that and I would totally forget this stuff.

- I promise to begin watching the NBA again as soon as the league can go one full season without any players punching any other players in the balls. I realize this means I will probably miss Lebron James' entire career but that's okay, it's my cross.

- As anyone who can scroll this page knows, I was a big Dog The Bounty Hunter fan. Not too long ago it came out that he used a racial slur when talking about his son's girlfriend, during taping of an episode no less. I must admit, I'm torn. Don't get me wrong, it is never acceptable for a white person to use that word to describe a black person, but part of me can't help but believe that Dog is just plain too ignorant to understand that. Just to be sure though let's run through the checklist:

Poorly Educated? Check.

Did Time? Check.

Mullet? Check.

Shit... he IS a racist. Too bad, he was entertaining for a while there. Oh well since he's done for we might as well make it worthwhile. Time to fire up the petition to have A&E trick him into moving his office from Hawaii to Jamaica Queens, as this guy has clearly worn out his usefulness to this world. For the record, if they had given Tim an asp as I had suggested, this never would have happened.

In all seriousness, dude, it's your son's girlfriend... all racism is ignorant, but you mean to tell me you can't even put the confederate flag away for family? What a useless human being.

- Speaking of racism, as much as I hate the guy because I'm a Bears fan, I gotta believe Cedric Benson is telling the truth. Austin, Texas, come on they do racism down there like Pizza Hut apparently does pasta now. It's a fucking disgrace that this type of shit still goes on.

- By the way, I just realized that the title of this post is an unintentional pun with the first topic... totally did that shit on accident, apparently I'm that good.

- Also, apparently one of the Google ads that shows up on the right hand of my page is a link to a page about the rapture... yes, THAT rapture. I saw this and literally laughed out loud. I will now be referencing the rapture in this blog as much a reasonably possible.

Today's lesson: Apparently you can't fit books in a Double Wide

Random Thoughts

Sorry kids, no pictures... I'm going substance over style on this one.

- Fact: The four people who actually subscribed to this blog just fell the fuck over dead in shock that I've actually made a post.

- Fact: The democrats are somehow going to find a way to lose the Presidential election this year. The current REPUBLICAN president has some of the lowest approval ratings ever, his cabinet is pretty much synonymous in the mainstream media with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yet somehow the democratic party is going to figure out a way to run itself so far into the ground in a protracted primary that John McCain will probably win. That's like winning the lottery and then not being able to find a 7-11. Howard Dean and the rest of the committee should have picked one, hit the other one with a tranq dart, and called it a fucking day a month ago.

- Fact: Suze Orman is a clown... if you're listening to this woman I'm seriously sorry. If wanted to listen to someone bitch people out with little or no basis in reality for an hour, I would have watched The Simple Life. (Ooooooo link... pretty) Seriously, this chick is a liability and pretty much a perfect example of what's wrong with all of these financial advising shows. I work in the finance industry, trust me if Suze really was even a halfway decent advisor, she wouldn't be on TV because she would be making way more money advising.

- Fact: If I went through the trouble of putting on pants and driving my happy ass to a nice Italian restaurant and then when I got done eating some dude came out and told me that Pizza Hut delivered the pasta, I would most definitely snap on somebody and there's about a 35% chance I leave in cuffs.

- Fact: The mainstream print media is dying. Without getting into too much detail, I had a reporter from a local paper call me the other day trying to get a comment from me for a story she was going to write painting my company in a bad light. I'm not offended she wanted to make me look bad as much as I'm offended she actually thought I was dumb enough to give her quotes to take out of context to put me on blast in the morning paper. I may be brash, I'm not fucking stupid. This is just a symptom of a much more serious problem though; the mainstream print media is so concerned with fledgling sales they're no long concerned with actually accurately reporting the news. The more sensational the story, villainous the antagonist, innocent the victim, the more copy that sells, regardless of whether or not the story is accurate or objective. Goodbye New York Times, hello National Enquirer. Honestly it's just disappointing, journalists are just as corrupt and money hungry as the "evil" people and corporations they supposedly "expose." Way to forget where you came from, die slow.

Fact: Wasted Education - Now with 20% more anger.

Today's Lesson: Libel is written, slander is spoken

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Don't Call It A Comeback

Yeah it's been awhile... Let's cut out the pleasantries, I'm really busy with work so this is gonna be kinda like a drunken one night stand; we're gonna get right down to business and I'm gonna get you outta here before realize where I live to the point where you can find your way back here once you sober up.

It's the holiday season which to me means Christmas because I think Jesus is real like that. Couple of things about Christmas...

First of all Christmas carols... not a fan. I dunno if it's because I worked retail for like 138 years so I automatically associate the Little Drummer Boy with lines of impatient, pissed off rich people, or maybe I'm just a scrooge. Either way, I cannot stand them. Once I hear them my tolerance for the flaws of all other forms of life plummets, so I'm really hoping the bank I work for does not implement them in the in-office play. If they do, I might be in for another lay off because, not gonna lie, if I have to listen to someone threaten to pull out their $300, like I give a shit, if I don't waive a fee that they got through complete fault of themselves, WHILE listening to Silver Bells, I just might have an episode.

The other reason I think I'm against Christmas carols is because I can't really relate to them. I generally don't believe that music should be blissful and cheery. I'm more of the ilk that music should be a visceral, emotional experience which probably also explains why I'm not a huge fan of country music either. Granted, I don't know what it says about me as a person that I can relate more to Lil Wayne cooking crack in his kitchen than I can relate to the 8 pound 3 ounce baby Jesus away in a manger, but whattayagonnado?

Speaking of Jesus, as some of you know I have a pension for poker. I was watching the World Series of Poker main event from this year on ESPN, which is something I never do anymore, mostly because of things like this: Apparently the dude who won it all this year is some sort of born-again Jesus freak, which I really don't have a problem with. If you went through some bad shit in your life and then found God religion gave you the strength to overcome adversity, good for you. I come from the Malcolm X school of thought when it comes to making it through tragedy; by any means necessary. Here's the problem. I was watching this guy on TV and every time he was in a big hand, he would say things like "Please Jesus grant me the strength, oh thank you Jesus for allowing me to win..."


You're shitting me right?

Let me explain to you a little something about the do's and don't's of prayer. You do pray to God to help you make good decisions, deliver you from evil, allow you to be a morally strong individual, and pass an occasional midterm. You do not pray to God to win a poker game. Remember the Bible? Good. Okay now remember that part where Jesus went apeshit in the temple? God does not condone gambling. I'm not saying you shouldn't pray for assistance when you need it, I've done it before. All I'm saying is don't be surprised if this dude mysteriously gets cancer of the eyes sometime in the next year. Remember kids, God comes in two flavors: forgiving and merciful or angry and vengeful. Whether you get Mother Theresa or Harvey Keitel is up to you.

Second thing with Christmas is that they air these Jared Jewelers commercials non-fucking-stop where I live. Basically the gist of these things is, chick gets ring than brags to all her friends that, "He went to Jared," her friends swoon, guy looks great, all the other girls' boyfriends curse the name of dude who went to Jared for making them all look like chumps. Jared is a chain jewelry store here in the midwest... I repeat... JARED IS A CHAIN JEWELRY STORE. This means they sell trend diamond necklaces for $99.99 that they might as well hand you in a bag marked "Kingsford" He went to Jared, good for him, call me when he goes to Jakob. By the way, I could not find a Jared commercial on YouTube but I did find this fucking phenomenal parody... apparently I'm not the only person who thinks these commercials are inane:

That's pretty much it for now because honestly I'm a perfectionist and to format this thing up to my personal standards is pry gonna take me another two hours, but I'll try to come back soon.

Today's lesson: You can't get the Hope diamond at Wal-mart.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Some splaining to do... and "The List"

First of all, I want to apologize for the three week lay-off, but not completely. This may happen from time to time. Don't get me wrong, of the reasons I started this blog is because I love to write. At the same time I'm not going to sit here and make posts that I don't think are creative or entertaining just to fill space. Let's be honest, you guys probably don't give a shit about what goes on in my day to day life, (or maybe you do, who knows?) so I'm not going to bore you with "I went to work today, coffee was cold, it rained around lunch time, I stabbed a guy, blah blah blah)." I'm also not going to force myself to try to come up with stuff because, guess what, it's not gonna be THAT funny, (assuming the shit I put on here is even funny in the first place) and you are going to be disappointed and I'm going to feel like an jackass and a whore.

Okay now that we got that out of the way...

This may very well by my first recurring theme on this blog, so like any recurring theme it needs a title and I'm going to call it "The List" for the sake of not having an obscenity in the title of my recurring theme. Basically "The List" (catchy isn't it?) works like this. If someone is on "The List"(sick of it yet?) is basically means that if someone brings them up in conversation my first reaction is "Yeah, (insert name here)? Fuck that guy." It's really easy, let's start with an example.

Keith Olbermann.

If I wanted my news delivered to me by a self-righteous smarmy prick, I'd watch Fox news. He had a good thing going with the whole Sportscenter thing, mainly because Dan Patrick is the only person on the face of the Earth who can actually make him look like less of a condescending asshole. But no, you decided you wanted to do serious news so you kicked that gravy train in the ass. Keith now has a segment on Thursday/Sunday/DayAfterTomorrow night football on NBC called "The worst person in the NFL." So what does he do the first week? He immediately falls on his sword anoints himself as the worst person in the NFL for not being specific enough about how he feels about the Michael Vick debacle on the previous week's show.

Okay, I'm sorry man but either you get to recklessly pitch people under the bus from the window of your Ivory Tower... or you can be a pussy. What you don't get to do is have it both ways and somehow try to turn this horrible mistake of a segment into a noble act. Yeah, Keith Olbermann? Fuck that guy.

Okay now you obviously know how it works, and no I'm not going to end every one like that, it was just for the sake of example. Okay, next...

Kanye West.

Kanye has a new album coming out next week, which I will purchase because, let's be honest, that crazy bastard comes up with the catchiest beats I've ever heard. By the way, that whole thing about how he saves his best beats for his own CD? True Story. I'm gonna go ahead and postulate that this is one of the reasons Jay-Z had to retire, Congrats Hov, you've created a monster. Don't get me wrong, Kanye is a decent rapper but his beats are too good for him. Plus the guy is an asshole on multiple levels and I would much rather pay Jay-Z to listen to Kanye's beats than pay Kanye.

First of all the guy has a persecution complex so large that it will not fit in the back of his Benzo SUV. You're right Kanye, everyone is out to get you, that's why you're a fucking millionaire and the 35 year old mother of three who rang up my order yesterday works at Wal-mart.

Second of all he's just not stable. Who can forget the time after Katrina when he got all hopped up on racism and shocked the shit out of Mike Myers on national television? I get the whole part where "he didn't ask to be a role model, yadda yadda blah blah," and I'm not saying that he wasn't right or he doesn't have the right to express his opinion. However, if you're going to be a public figure and make millions of dollars and have kids look up to you, you have a responsibility to at least refrain from publicly saying things that could incite an all-out race war.

Before this thing gets dragged out longer than that pause before they went to Chris Tucker, (which by the way that was awesome because he just had a look on his face like "Damn, how the fuck am I supposed to follow that?"), I'll leave you with my third and final point: You don't get to make a CD about how you're the greatest rapper alive when IT'S ONLY YOUR SECOND ALBUM you cocky, ignorant prick.

Also, while we're setting the record straight, your name is Kanye West, not Kayne Luther King. If you really wanted to be a civil rights activist and help kids in the inner city, then maybe instead of buying another piece from Jakob, (sans conflict diamonds, of course) you could take that same amount money and donate it to the public school system in your home city of Chicago so the kids could have books that were actually printed after you were fucking born. END RANT. (I will freely admit that I have what could probably be considered an unhealthy level of disdain for this guy as a person, but I'm okay with that.)

And finally, this chick.

Kyla Ebbert, a 23 year old college student and Hooter's waitress who almost got kicked off of a Southwest flight because her outfit was too revealing. So this girl goes on the Today show to plead her case, as of course, she's suing the airline. So she stood up and modelled the outfit she wore on the flight, which really didn't look that revealing to be honest.

Until she went to sit down and they had to blur out her snatch, much to the disappointment of the nationwide television audience.

The best part was her mother then tried to defend her saying that she was right to wear said outfit, and it's absolutely ridiculous that she almost got kicked off the flight, AND feels that Southwest should have to pay for embarrassing her daughter...

I agree and disagree here. I agree that she should not have been kicked off the flight for what she wore. At the same time, if you're willfully wearing an outfit that makes your pussy the in-flight movie, you have no right to claim to be embarrassed by anything. Not even almost getting kicked off of a Southwest flight, which by the way I was unaware was actually possible.

I've flown Southwest once and it's basically the aviation equivalent of the The Road Warrior except gasoline = peanuts and generic cola. Basically, if you want a window seat and intend to keep it, you better hold onto the plastic fork that came with the Cinnabon you bought on the concourse.

And now that I think of it, after hearing her interview, this girl is clearly dumb as a bag of hammers, and with a bag over her head would actually be pretty hot. These facts make me pretty sure this whole media blitz/suing thing was mom's idea. In light of these developments I'm calling a last minute audible, Kyla's off the list, mom's on along their lawyer who made the brilliant comment that, "had this been Paris Hilton, they probably would have asked her if she needed a pillow and offer a drink." This a completely asinine argument...

Mainly because Paris Hilton would never fly on Southwest.

Today's Lesson: If when you get dressed in the morning you put on something that necessitates you also wear stylish underwear, you don't get to be offended when people complement you on how your thong matches your shoes.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I Can't Make This Stuff Up... (Which is why I have to do this for free.)

It has been a historic past couple of weeks in the world of sports. Barry Bonds has, for better or worse (see worse), eclipsed Hank Aaron's career home run record. Tom Glavine (thx Dimmy) has become the most recent, and quite possibly the last, pitcher to become a member of the exclusive 300 win club. Both of these events however have been surpassed by a story of even greater courage, determination, and fortitude. That's right, Adam "Pacman" Jones has made his first appearence as a professional wrestler.

Whore (hôr, hōr) - (n.) - A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.
(I did not post this to imply Pacman Jones is a whore. Quite the opposite, for as you can clearly see, in order to be a whore you must have principles.)

Every once in a while news stories come along that make you say "there's no way that really happened because it's just too perfect." An event that restores your faith in humanity to entertain while at the same time destroying your faith in humanity to sustain itself for any period of time. Let's face it, everyone likes to watch a train wreck, and the only thing better than a train wreck is a train wreck when the trains collide head-on while leaping through a ring of fire. Something so improbable, yet at the same time so predictable, that it just plain blows your fucking mind. But enough waxing philosophical...

I was trying to understand this on the way to work today, and after burning quite a bit of lean tissue pondering, I think I've got it. So if I'm an embattled professional athlete on suspension, with a reputation for not only making bad decisions, but making a spectacle of myself while making said bad decisions, the best way to rehab my image is to show up on a professional wrestling Pay-Per-View?

Shit... makes sense to me.

What else could go further toward proving that I am a humble, responsible, mature, and productive member of society than letting some cro-magnum freak hopped up on HGH (see Barry Bonds) put me through a table? The only way this could be better would be if he showed up waving a loaded gun around while the public address system played Fat Joe's "Make it Rain," remix ("Don't ask me what my name is, stupid bitch I'm famous," and yes, that's an actual lyric).

If Pacman Jones does not have an image management team he needs to hire one, stat. If he does have an image management team, they should be euthanized. Unless of course, and this would be entirely to perfect to be true, they all realized how completely asinine this was and told him to go ahead with it anyway while futilely trying to suppress their laughter. Either way these people are probably never working again after this, (note: this is probably not a true statement though it definitely should be) and anyone willing to commit career suicide for the sake of comedy is alright by me.

By the way, speaking of "Make it Rain," when did making it rain become a national news story? I was watching ESPN, oh about two weeks ago, and as part of the final rundown on PTI, they covered the fact that Jermain Taylor went to Flashdancers in NYC and made it rain. Now obviously this was one of the days that Kornheiser and Wilbon both had the day of, as they would never allow this mindlessness to waste 15 seconds of air time. The problem is, when stuff like this makes news, I begin to think that Tony and Mike are the only serious journalists left.

It's disgusting enough that these athletes have enough disposable jack to go to a strip club and facilitate precipitation greater than or equal to the country's average yearly income, should we really encourage this behavior by giving these self-absorbed stars the only thing they love more than money? Rhetorical.

Granted most of the times people do this, the strippers don't actually keep the money. But isn't that even worse? Taking part in behavior that might be considered slightly depraved is something I can live with. We all need to occasionally feed our vices so they don't become compulsions, it's only healthy. However, being cheap? That's just inexcusable.

If you're really in a position where you can afford to shower half naked women in money, then you should have enough cash that they can keep it when you're done. If you can't afford to blow $60,000 to help a couple of sexually empowered young ladies "pay for college," then you my friend, have no business "going to the Doppler."

Today's Lesson: You can't always get what you need, but sometimes, you can get what you want.