"Dude... who ate all the amber waves of grain?"

Today is a great day in American history. On this, our nation's birthday, one man reminded us all of they type of resolve our forefathers embodied in opposing tyranny and forming our great country.


Joey Chestnut has defeated Takeru Kobayashi.

Seriously though this competitive eating thing has gotten completely out of hand. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone except ESPN that this is not a sport. Yet for some reason I haven't seen them blatantly over hype something this badly since the Arena football playoffs this past weekend.

Am I the only person is unable to watch these things without becoming nauseous? Wait... hold on... I'll answer that; no. Yet every 4th of July for the past three years sports fans have been force-fed (thank you, remember to tip your waitress) this garbage. Now it's been a while since I've cracked The Good Book, but I'm pretty sure a dude eating hot dogs making the first ten minutes of Sportscenter is the 6th Plague of Egypt.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind hearing about who won this thing in passing, like during the last five minutes of the ten o'clock news right after the story about the high school kids cleaning up a neighborhood park. What's disturbing is what was once an annual inside joke for Sportscenter became serious this year. When two days before the competition they are covering Kobayashi's injury, a sore jaw (read: God trying to tell him something), they've officially jumped the shark... while riding on the back of a clown.

Being able to eat over 60 hot dogs in 12 minutes is never something someone should be proud of. To herald it as an act of "conditioning" is just criminal.

See, competitive eating used to be cute. Like three years ago when people like Eric "Badlands" Booker and Ed "Cookie" Jarvis (that's right, they have their own websites) ruled the buffet.

There was no mistake that these guys were not athletes. It was "Hey let's watch some fatties give themselves type 2 diabetes," and everyone had a good time (by the way, there's nothing wrong with being fat, I'm not knocking fat people here, I'm knocking people who aren't honest with themselves.)

The hot dog eating contest was being billed as what it is; a bad carnival side show ("You guys want 4 tickets so I can see what? I can go on the fucking Tilt-A-Whirl for 3.")

Now the hot dog eating champion weighs in at a measly 230 pounds. A 230 pound guy who can eat get over 60 hot dogs in his mouth in under 12 minutes? I just hope and pray for his sake he never goes to prison.


Seriously though, this is bullshit. If I am going to waste my 4 tickets to watch this unnatural act, I want to see it being done by someone who is going to have to be lifted out of their house with a fucking crane when they die.

I don't want to see someone eat 60 hot dogs because they want to be on ESPN.

I want to see someone eat 60 hot dogs because they are hungry.

Now this is billed with all the pageantry of a heavyweight fight as "athletes pushing themselves to the edge of their physical capabilities." It's not "He just threw up all over himself," it's "Uh oh, looks like Jarvis suffered a reversal."

A "reversal."

You're shitting me right?

Listen, if it really was a "reversal," I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of a bar for doing it on my 22nd birthday.

Now I'm all for having good time while enjoying culinary delights. I've used whipped cream for other than it's intended purpose on multiple occasions. Some days it takes me a half hour to decide what to have for lunch simply because I love food.

Hell, I had a friend when I was in high school that myself and two other friends bet that he couldn't eat 100 Taco Bell tacos. He did it in three hours and only puked twice and it was awesome.

This is out of hand, though.

Stuff like this should be reserved for frat houses and Paul Newman movies.

So here I sit, watching some joker hoist the American flag with pride as Scott Van Pelt waxes philosophical about how Kobayashi losing marks the end of an era in sports, not unlike the retirement of Lance Armstrong.

I think I'm about to have a reversal.

Today's lesson: Move over bowling, golf, and NASCAR; you've got company.