"I am the angel of death... now rub my belly."

It must've been a really slow news day on Thursday, because this story actually made the Chicago Tribune. Now being a journalism major in college, there's nothing I dislike more than soft news. It violates a clear principle of journalism, what we called in my college courses the "Who really gives a shit?" test. If I wanted to hear a feel good story, I'd watch a Hallmark movie of the week. Couldn't this space be used for something that might actually inform the public like oh, I dunno, relevant political discussion? Oh wait I forgot, the media hasn't been in that business since Ben Franklin.

Anyway, so I'm reading this story. This cat has to be stopped. I can't believe it hasn't occurred to someone at Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center to wax this feline? Don't get me wrong I love animals. I worked at a no-kill shelter when I was growing up. My parents, in fact, have quite a few cats of their own that I care about very much, one of whom, coincidentally happens to be named Oscar.

The difference is, my Oscar doesn't kill people.

Plus if you read the article, it's clear that this cat isn't exactly a prize either. They describe him as "aloof," which is basically a nice way of saying "an asshole."

Now I could go on a couple of paragraph rant about how "yes animals can be assholes," but I did that a couple of posts ago all I'm gonna say is, not all of my parents' cats like me. When I first came back home one of them didn't like me getting my room back so he pissed on my clothes.

Animals can also be assholes.

But not only is this cat an asshole, he's clearly murdering these people. If one of the nurses had a reputation like this, he or she would've been arrested eight kills ago for crying out loud. If my grandfather was still alive and at this hospital and I saw this cat milling around his room, I would prolly put on a pair of gloves (so he wouldn't kill me of course) and dropkick this little bastard. Nothing personal, but I'm not letting this four legged Manson kill my grandpa.

But I know PETA's got a shitload of lobbying dollars, so the chances Oscar getting tactically eliminated probably aren't that good. So that being said can't we at least put this cat to better use? I mean most of these old people were probably gonna die anyway, why don't we lock Oscar in a room with Michael Vick for a while, see what happens? Use him to fight the insurgency in Iraq perhaps? I mean it would be a shame to let this unique talent go to waste.

Speaking of wastes of talent, can we just give Michael Vick the chair already? I'm serious, Ron Mexico needs to die.

Not because he abused some dogs, (even though that story make even my cold heart want to puke) but because he's clearly a role model to today's youth. It's obvious at this point that it is physically impossible for him to show the young men, who without doubt look up to him because of his athletic accomplishments, how to conduct themselves with dignity and integrity, so why don't we, as the kids say, "flip it on him?

If we can't use this guy as an example of how hard work pays off, instead let's use him as an example of how God will strike down those who take the gifts given to them for granted? This clown has damned a perfectly good football team to a decade of mediocrity and is obviously as dumb as a bag of hammers. I mean come on, nobody is gonna miss this guy, not even Joe Horn (which, btw, when did get get moved to the ATL? I like him he doesn't deserve that.)

This guy is a disgrace to America's game (sorry baseball, I thought you knew). He's clearly a complete moron with entirely too much money and not enough common sense. He's gotta go.

Today's lesson: Guns don't kill people, cats kill people.