Thursday, September 6, 2007

Some splaining to do... and "The List"

First of all, I want to apologize for the three week lay-off, but not completely. This may happen from time to time. Don't get me wrong, of the reasons I started this blog is because I love to write. At the same time I'm not going to sit here and make posts that I don't think are creative or entertaining just to fill space. Let's be honest, you guys probably don't give a shit about what goes on in my day to day life, (or maybe you do, who knows?) so I'm not going to bore you with "I went to work today, coffee was cold, it rained around lunch time, I stabbed a guy, blah blah blah)." I'm also not going to force myself to try to come up with stuff because, guess what, it's not gonna be THAT funny, (assuming the shit I put on here is even funny in the first place) and you are going to be disappointed and I'm going to feel like an jackass and a whore.

Okay now that we got that out of the way...

This may very well by my first recurring theme on this blog, so like any recurring theme it needs a title and I'm going to call it "The List" for the sake of not having an obscenity in the title of my recurring theme. Basically "The List" (catchy isn't it?) works like this. If someone is on "The List"(sick of it yet?) is basically means that if someone brings them up in conversation my first reaction is "Yeah, (insert name here)? Fuck that guy." It's really easy, let's start with an example.

Keith Olbermann.

If I wanted my news delivered to me by a self-righteous smarmy prick, I'd watch Fox news. He had a good thing going with the whole Sportscenter thing, mainly because Dan Patrick is the only person on the face of the Earth who can actually make him look like less of a condescending asshole. But no, you decided you wanted to do serious news so you kicked that gravy train in the ass. Keith now has a segment on Thursday/Sunday/DayAfterTomorrow night football on NBC called "The worst person in the NFL." So what does he do the first week? He immediately falls on his sword anoints himself as the worst person in the NFL for not being specific enough about how he feels about the Michael Vick debacle on the previous week's show.

Okay, I'm sorry man but either you get to recklessly pitch people under the bus from the window of your Ivory Tower... or you can be a pussy. What you don't get to do is have it both ways and somehow try to turn this horrible mistake of a segment into a noble act. Yeah, Keith Olbermann? Fuck that guy.

Okay now you obviously know how it works, and no I'm not going to end every one like that, it was just for the sake of example. Okay, next...

Kanye West.

Kanye has a new album coming out next week, which I will purchase because, let's be honest, that crazy bastard comes up with the catchiest beats I've ever heard. By the way, that whole thing about how he saves his best beats for his own CD? True Story. I'm gonna go ahead and postulate that this is one of the reasons Jay-Z had to retire, Congrats Hov, you've created a monster. Don't get me wrong, Kanye is a decent rapper but his beats are too good for him. Plus the guy is an asshole on multiple levels and I would much rather pay Jay-Z to listen to Kanye's beats than pay Kanye.

First of all the guy has a persecution complex so large that it will not fit in the back of his Benzo SUV. You're right Kanye, everyone is out to get you, that's why you're a fucking millionaire and the 35 year old mother of three who rang up my order yesterday works at Wal-mart.

Second of all he's just not stable. Who can forget the time after Katrina when he got all hopped up on racism and shocked the shit out of Mike Myers on national television? I get the whole part where "he didn't ask to be a role model, yadda yadda blah blah," and I'm not saying that he wasn't right or he doesn't have the right to express his opinion. However, if you're going to be a public figure and make millions of dollars and have kids look up to you, you have a responsibility to at least refrain from publicly saying things that could incite an all-out race war.

Before this thing gets dragged out longer than that pause before they went to Chris Tucker, (which by the way that was awesome because he just had a look on his face like "Damn, how the fuck am I supposed to follow that?"), I'll leave you with my third and final point: You don't get to make a CD about how you're the greatest rapper alive when IT'S ONLY YOUR SECOND ALBUM you cocky, ignorant prick.

Also, while we're setting the record straight, your name is Kanye West, not Kayne Luther King. If you really wanted to be a civil rights activist and help kids in the inner city, then maybe instead of buying another piece from Jakob, (sans conflict diamonds, of course) you could take that same amount money and donate it to the public school system in your home city of Chicago so the kids could have books that were actually printed after you were fucking born. END RANT. (I will freely admit that I have what could probably be considered an unhealthy level of disdain for this guy as a person, but I'm okay with that.)

And finally, this chick.

Kyla Ebbert, a 23 year old college student and Hooter's waitress who almost got kicked off of a Southwest flight because her outfit was too revealing. So this girl goes on the Today show to plead her case, as of course, she's suing the airline. So she stood up and modelled the outfit she wore on the flight, which really didn't look that revealing to be honest.

Until she went to sit down and they had to blur out her snatch, much to the disappointment of the nationwide television audience.

The best part was her mother then tried to defend her saying that she was right to wear said outfit, and it's absolutely ridiculous that she almost got kicked off the flight, AND feels that Southwest should have to pay for embarrassing her daughter...

I agree and disagree here. I agree that she should not have been kicked off the flight for what she wore. At the same time, if you're willfully wearing an outfit that makes your pussy the in-flight movie, you have no right to claim to be embarrassed by anything. Not even almost getting kicked off of a Southwest flight, which by the way I was unaware was actually possible.

I've flown Southwest once and it's basically the aviation equivalent of the The Road Warrior except gasoline = peanuts and generic cola. Basically, if you want a window seat and intend to keep it, you better hold onto the plastic fork that came with the Cinnabon you bought on the concourse.

And now that I think of it, after hearing her interview, this girl is clearly dumb as a bag of hammers, and with a bag over her head would actually be pretty hot. These facts make me pretty sure this whole media blitz/suing thing was mom's idea. In light of these developments I'm calling a last minute audible, Kyla's off the list, mom's on along their lawyer who made the brilliant comment that, "had this been Paris Hilton, they probably would have asked her if she needed a pillow and offer a drink." This a completely asinine argument...

Mainly because Paris Hilton would never fly on Southwest.

Today's Lesson: If when you get dressed in the morning you put on something that necessitates you also wear stylish underwear, you don't get to be offended when people complement you on how your thong matches your shoes.

4 comments:

t said...

I think your Kyla theorem could be applied to any outfit that exposes any part of flesh.

Nothing is more annoying than a girl wearing a top that has 90% of her boobs hanging out of the top, yet she complains when men comment and/or look at them.

If a man says to me, "Nice rack", I'd simply say, "Thank You". After all, I do have a nice rack and it was kind of him to notice. If I feel like being a bitch that day, I'd simply cover up my beautiful rack and go about my bitchy business.

Of course this theorem requires a certain level of maturity to embrace. So, there is that.

Steven said...

Keep em coming. :)

steeler247 said...

first of all - Keith is a genius.

2nd...Kyla has just signed with Playboy. No kidding.

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