Honor Among Thieves

Okay, to anyone reading this who doesn't know anything about the game of poker, I apologize in advance. I would hope you would still read though as this post really isn't about poker, rather the backdrop is a poker game. If you don't know about poker and want to learn or if you know a lot about poker and would like to read more about it may I suggest Rex's, Virge's and the Pokersluts' blogs I have linked on the right hand side of the page.

Anyway, so I took my first vacation day since I started my new job today and decided I had the urge to feed one of my favorite vices; gambling.


Land based casinos are as of right now illegal in Illinois, so if you want to gamble you have to go to Indiana or go to the riverboats. One exception to this rule are charity "casino nights." If you're holding a "casino night" for the benefit of a charity, said charity may apply for and receive temporary gaming license... I love this country

Now as a result of the poker boom a couple of organizations have sprung up in my state that throw these casino nights for various charities. The charity supplies the people to run the "cash cage" to make it legal, and these organizations set up the events and provide the dealers. Hence, Chicago Charitable Games and Rockford Charitable Games together throw roughly five of these "casino nights," at which 95% of the action is some form of poker, a week. A rake (percentage) is taken from each pot or tournament played at these events and this is the money that goes to the hosting charity.

So I looked on the internet to see if one of these organizations was going to have an event in my area since, while the nearest river boat doesn't offer stakes as low as I wanted to play today, these events typically do. Low and behold, Chicago Charitable Games was holding an event about fifteen minutes, from my house so, I was all like "Yahtzee." Now Rockford Charitable Games has been doing these types of events for years, and I've been to many of their events and been happy with the experience. Chicago Charitable Games, other the other hand, is kind of a young upstart in the charity poker scene, only having organized their first event earlier this year.

Both of these companies have some issues, as most businesses operating inside legal loopholes do. The dealers that work for the company work solely for tips. So basically they're the same people that would have a job as a casino dealer if the casino dealers didn't have a decent hourly wage or health benefits. They're not bad people for the most part but definitely not the brightest crayons in the box.

Let's just put it this way, there is a lot of menthol cigarette smoking going on with this crowd. Now before like 5 of the 8 people who read this blog post accusing me of being racist, almost 90% of the dealers are white so slow your roll. I'm also not saying that if you smoke menthol cigarettes you are poor or uneducated or both. Some people just like menthols and that's cool. I've smoked them, they can be quite tasty. What I AM saying is if you are poor and uneducated and do you smoke, when you go to BP you're probably deciding between Newports, Kools, or Marlboro Menthol Lights (unless of course the perennial P-Funk Buy Two Get One is on the table). There's nothing wrong with it, but let's be honest with ourselves.

Anyway, the dealers, because they are provided by the company, are the same at every event. This means they know the regulars which is fine, that could happen at the casino as well. The difference between these events and the casino is that the dealers also sometimes play at the events when they on breaks from dealing. Usually this is not an issue at the Rockford events because for the most part their events are run very professionally. I have even seen a floor (think pit boss for you non-poker players) go against a player who is a dealer for the company.

So flash forward to today, I'm on my way to this event like a kid coming downstairs on Christmas morning. I get there and register for the tournament I saw online that I wanted to play in, and I get my seat. We're about to get started and two guys sit down immediately to my right. The guy closest to me, we'll call him "Paul," is a dealer for Chicago Charitable Games, the guy immediately to his right, we'll call him "Ringo," is apparently a regular. Paul and Ringo know each other and, for all intents and purposes, are assholes. For some reason, I feel a pit developing in my stomach. You probably see where this is going already, but don't worry I will recall it in gory detail anyway.

A little bit about me. I was no angel growing up. I got into multiple fights in grade/junior high/high school, but I've mellowed considerably with age. I've tried to adopt the old turn the other cheek, best revenge is to live well. I'm young, my heart is an open book, I say live and let live... all that shit.

Don't get me wrong, i still want to punch people in the throat, the difference is now I suppress the urge.

So the cards are in the air and I notice Paul and Ringo are showing each other their hands after one of them folds. There are two problems with this. First of all, poker is not a team game (usually); one person to a hand. Second, even if Paul is out of the hand, when Ringo shows him what he has, even though it doesn't affect the betting, Paul is getting information that nobody else at the table is getting. Poker is a game of information, so this is very not cool.

Now I like to give everyone a chance. The problem is that I can already tell that these two clowns have mouths on them; big fishes in the backyard pond that is the world of Charity Poker events. Honestly, I could give a fuck less; if you're king of the sewer it doesn't matter how nice your palace is, it still smells like shit all the time. Apparently they feel like big shots though so whatever keeps them from kicking the chair out when they go home alone every night. So I respectfully ask them:

"Can you guys do me a favor and please not share your hands with each other?"

Paul: "Dude what the fuck does it matter if I'm not in the hand?"

Okay, he might just be out of Kools and a little testy, let's try this again:

Me: "Well see the problem is though, you guys know what each other is playing, playing to a raise, calling with, etcetera, and the rest of us don't."

Paul: "That's fuckin' stupid, it doesn't fuckin' matter if I fuckin' show him my hand..."

Well, at least he's an articulate little son of a bitch isn't he?

Okay now I want to let this one slide because I think he might just be upset because he doesn't know what "etcetera" means, which is fine. We can't all be ex-journalism majors and the few big words I don't know scare me too, so I'm cool, but then his buddy chimes in.

Ringo: "I tell you what buddy... anytime I show him a hand just ask to see it and I'll show you if that will make you feel better."

Now I dunno how much time you all spend in poker rooms, so for those of you who aren't familiar with how these interactions work, basically right now he's talking in code. What he said loosely translates to "Fuck your mother."

Okay so I've gone from like a 2 to a 7, which means I've already envisioned killing both of these guys with my bare hands in three different ways in the theatre of my mind, but whatever. I remind myself that they're probably both career Office Max cashiers so I don't worry about it. The game continues to go on and they continue to talk shit. I continue to resist the urge to grab one of them by the throat, take him outside, and slam his head in a car door. All is well in our microcosmic utopia of poker.

Now this is the part where some of the non-poker people may get a little lost but just try to stay with me as best as you can, you'll get the important parts. Start pokerspeak...

So I have about 4500 in front of me and I wake up to AKos, Ringo is in the big blind. Blinds are 100/200, I make it 700 to go. Ringo calls. Flop comes QQ6, separate suits. I know at this point that not only is my AK good, but I'm getting pay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-id because this guy is so cocky that if I bet he's gonna come bounding over the top of me with air. I bet 1000. I know Ringo is going to shove over the top of me for the rest of his about 2600 and then if I fold show his bluff in a feeble attempt prove to everyone else at the table that he is a better person than me, in poker and life. That's how these jackasses think but whatever. So he takes his stack in his hand, and goes to throw it in the pot. He moves the chips past his cards, about a foot in and a half in front of him, making a clear and decisive move to throw them into the pot. I beat him into the pot, throwing my chips in. Ringo however has not let go, and now pulls his chips back.

Now those of you who do not play poker probably don't understand the problem. The problem here is that what Ringo did is blatantly illegal. If a player takes chips and makes a betting motion, he must complete that motion. If you pull the chips back after making such a motion, your chips must still go into the pot. Otherwise you are doing what is called "shooting an angle" which is basically poker-speak for "doing something that could get you stabbed with an ice pick."

I immediately pick up on this and notify the dealer. Three or four other people at the table chime in and agree with me as this is a pretty standard rule in every card room/casino but apparently NOT at this particular charity event. Ringo thinks those chips still belong to him, so we call over the floor. Now the floor is younger than I am and even though he's dressed business casual, it's painfully apparent he's faking his air of professionalism and just can't quite pull it off. If you guys don't know what I'm talking about here, go to any mid-market department store like Carson Pierie Scott or Marshall Fields and find the kid in the shirt, tie, dress pants, and lip ring. That's not the problem though. Here's the problem: The floor knows Paul and Ringo, he doesn't know me.

Apparently, this means that Ringo doesn't have to give me his chips and myself and the other now four people at the table who know the rule are painfully mistaken.

Needless to say, I am confused and saddened by this turn of events. I understand that by coming to these events and not being a "regular" some players may have an advantage over me because they know other players' tendencies and I don't. That's fine. I understand that the entire concept of these charity poker things is kinda shady to begin with so it's not going to be as professionally run as, say a game at a casino. I figure that's a fair trade for me not having to drive an hour each way. What I'm not okay with is being outright cheated.

If you're going to have a shady business, that's fine, but you never cheat your customers. Most gamblers especially understand that their chosen past time is not necessarily always within the boundaries of local law. They're usually okay with this though, as long as the integrity of the game is sound. One thing gamblers can't stand, legal or illegal, is a crooked game.

You could have an illegal backroom card game that is run by the mafia and dealt by 5 year old children from a third world country that get paid three cents an hour and it will be packed every night if the action is good. But it doesn't matter if the game is in the heart of Las Vegas, dealt by Miss America, with all proceeds going to cancer research, if the game is outed as being crooked you'll lose your clientele faster than you can say "Hey, how did that tumbleweed get in here?" Not to mention the fact that depending on who said clientele is, you just might just wake up in the middle of the night to knock on your front door from someone sent to seriously fuck your day up.

But I'm past that by this point. I'm more like the father whose daughter runs out immediately on her 18th birthday and gets a tattoo on her lower back and her tongue pierced.

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

By the way, both lower back tattoos and tongue rings are hot, so I really don't have a problem with either of them, in fact quite the opposite. That said, God forbid I have daughter and she gets either one of those things, she's getting shipped out to a convent in the middle of the South American jungle the next morning.

I should probably try to get back on topic here instead of being distracted by tongue rings and lower back tattoos (as I often am).

When we last left off, Ringo is absolutely giddy by this point, as he gets to keep his chips and has "pulled one over on me." Because of this he is celebrating by letting everyone know how "smart he is" for not putting his chips in the pot and how dumb I am for "acting too quick."

You can't spell "class" without an "ass."

This brings me to my next point.

I'm running for President in 2008, and I'm going to win. My platform is simple.

I promise, if elected, to make it legal to punch anyone over the age of 18 and under the age of 65 in the face once.



I'm thoroughly convinced this would law would make the United States of America the most polite country in the world. This law would effectively eradicate all racism, sexism, and other forms of discrimination from our society.

BMW and Mercedes Benz owners would yield to Toyota Corollas in traffic.

The everyday consumer would actually be nice to customer service people.

Everyone would tip 20%.

Let's be honest, we would all be a lot nicer to each other if there was a chance that if we weren't, we just might get jacked in the face. Now I know this sounds barbaric to some at first but you have to realize the psychology behind our new law.

The idea isn't that anyone will now be able to punch someone in the face without fear of consequence.

The idea is that the fear of a punch to the face will prevent people from doing things that cause them to deserve one.

Like a first kiss, or a first job, the day a person learns the humbling fact that "ain't nobody above as ass-whipping" is an important right of passage that is vital if one is to become a productive and functioning member of society.

It's a well known fact, that for the most part people are either talkers or fighters. People talk shit because they can't fight and people who can fight don't have to talk shit because, well, they can fight; natural selection has smiled on them and they have nothing to prove. Now normally this would be alright, but unfortunately the way our current legal system is arranged people who have no right whatsoever to talk shit are allowed to run their mouths whenever they please with minimal fear of reprisal. This must be corrected, and once I am elected this law will present us all with the solution set to this algebraic equation of injustice.

So remember when you step into that ballot box on election day 2008, if this ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cryyyyyyyyyyy...

Vote for me.

Today's lesson: If you're gonna be dishonest, you had better at least be honest about it.