Come Original (Please For The Love of God)

Okay, we need to have a talk about TV.

Don't get me wrong there have been some decent new shows in the past year or so. Deadliest Catch; good shit. Let's be honest, if you're going to have a show and the theme song is going to be "Wanted Dead Or Alive" by Bon Jovi, it had better be a pretty fucking good show, (say what you want about Bon Jovi and his haircare and the horrible excuse for recycling that were his last two albums, that song rocks you everything you care about.)

Obviously, Entourage. This is the greatest show on television. If you don't believe me consider the fact that this conversation has probably been had at the HBO offices on more than one occasion:

Exec 1: "So basically, what you're telling me is we have a hit show that's basically just a half hour about some famous dude and his friends running around La-La land trying to get puss?"

Exec 2: "Yeah... and it wins Emmy's."

Oh yeah, and when you have some free time IMDB Kevin Dillon, because even if I tell you Johnny Drama was in Platoon, you're not gonna believe me. In fact, if I'm not mistaken his character's nickname in Platoon was "Bunny," so if you've seen the episode of Entourage from two Sundays ago, ("Day Fuckers") you'll know why the obscure reference gods are smiling.

Plus crazy props to USA for pulling the Exacta with "Psych" and "Burn Notice." Psych is by far the better of the two, but Burn Notice, while not as good as Psych, is not that bad. Besides, the former counter-culture kid in me wants to stand up and clap just seeing Bruce Campbell working again (Ahoy indeed, my friend). Not to mention the main character's girlfriend is fuckin' smokin', except the missed out on the the 3x hotness multiplier they would have hit had they kept the Irish accent she had in the pilot.

I can't forget about Jericho. Since when does a network actually bring back a phenomenal show after cancelling it due to public outcry? Somebody lost their job over bringing that show back, they had to. Intelligent people aren't allowed to be network executives. Congratulations on finally doing something that Fox didn't even have the stones to try.

That's not what we need to talk about though.

Alas kiddies, all is not well in TV land. There is a new scourge threatening the very fabric of all that is holy on basic cable. I'm talking, of course, about...

Bounty Girls Miami.

Tim Chapman is not pleased.
Between this and "Ice Road Truckers" it's painfully apparent that Hollywood has run the fuck out of new ideas. I'm thoroughly convinced at this very minute there is a room somewhere at Discovery Networks where there is a person wondering aloud, "Hey remember The Godfather? We could probably sell advertising during a shitty version of that."

But I digress... A couple of thoughts on this one. First of all, Bounty Girls Miami? Not to be a dick, but who told these chicks this was a good business plan? Granted the one looks like an absolute man-beast (and honestly when I say "the one" you can pretty much take your pick, but in this particular case referring to "Jag"). Let's be honest though, Beth still has 38 pounds and a Twinkie on the four of them put together; these girls are not scaring anyone.

Dog and Tim look like they got lost on the way to Summerslam, and people try to fight them. These girls look like the got lost on the way to Curves, I don't think it's an illogical assumption to make that somebody is gonna try to slap the shit out of these poor women. I'm not sayin' it's right, I'm just sayin' they better have Quinton Jackson for their cameraman because if I was flyin' on PCP and they came to my house, I would most definitely have my "Shiiiiiiiiiiiit ain't no way in hell I'm goin' back to jail," T-shirt on.

As a quick side note, if you're one of these people who is a die hard boxing fan but will not watch MMA because you find it "barbaric," you seriously need to burn that soapbox right now. Besides, watching it go up in flames will pry be more dramatic and riveting than any WBO Heavyweight fight you're going to see anytime soon.

Second of all, does Court TV honestly think that there's room for more than one show about a team of people running down drug addicted bail jumpers? Let's just be honest with ourselves, people do no watch DTBH because they want to see bounty hunters hunt down bail jumpers. People watch DTBH (aside, of course, from not wanting to miss the episode where they finally give Tim an asp,) because nothing makes for better television than a former drug addict who is prone to begin waxing philosophical at a moment's notice. If Court TV wants to try to compete for the DTBH demographic (which, btw, is everyone), they're better off going after syndication rights for episodes of "I'm With Busey."

All that being said, if they give these chicks tasers all bets are off and my Tivo says "Feed me."

Speaking of real life crime drama, has anyone seen commercials for this new show "Murder" on Spike? Basically the premise is as follows; "Hey, everyone is mesmerized like an 18 year old kid getting his first table dance by 12 different versions of CSI, so let's make a reality show where we take a group of people we found wandering around outside the studio lot and have them try to solve REAL crimes."

Just out of random curiosity, how is this even fucking legal?

So you have real people's real dead bodies, and real crimes, and people who are not at all real cops? If I do ever kill someone I hope to God it makes this show because I could confess and go with a public defender and still skate. The only people worse that the people who came up with, financed, and then proceeded to green light this match made in hell are the families of the victims who I'm sure signed forests of waivers and took home a decent chunk of jack so their newly dead relatives could could get their posthumous 15 minutes. If "The Real World" and CSI we supposed to go together, somebody would have shot Puck. Come to think of it, someone probably should have shot Puck.

Rounding it out with the ugly; "The Kill Point." Spike needs to stop making original shows that aren't about the UFC. If you make a show about a hostage situation resulting from a bank robbery done by a bunch of guys who are ex-military and you somehow figure out a way to make it boring, the Etch-A-Sketch that is your Creative Department is in dire need of a good shaking.

Okay, a private detective who is OCD? Solid. A hostage negotiator who is obsessed with grammar? Stupid. If you haven't seen this show let me give you a glimpse. Donnie Wahlberg's character and one of his antagonists are in the middle of heated, climactic dialogue. Then, just when you think the confrontation is going to reach it's breaking point, he decides to make his crushing point by dissecting the antagonist's sentence structure.

No really, I'm serious.

While this would probably cause my Freshman English teacher from high school to have to clean the hardwood floor under her recliner with a mop and bucket, the rest of the world is cringing. Cringing like you do when you think about that one time back in college when the guy/girl you had a crush on actually sat down next to you at that party and instead of coming up with something witty or sexy to say you instead began sweating profusely until you inexplicably got up and ran out of the room, (carpe diem, baby).

Yeah it's that bad, if you don't believe me, check out an episode. Just remember, you're not getting that hour of your life back, no matter how many times you ask.

Today's Lesson: They call it a cash box because it's where you keep your cash.

Bonus Lesson just for Spike TV: Little known fact, Mark Wahlberg and Donnie Wahlberg? Not the same guy.