The kids are alright...

I don't smoke pot. I've done it before, I don't have anything against it, it's just not my thing. I would much rather get completely piss drunk if I want to voluntarily impair myself. That way I maybe wake up with a headache but I still have some snacks left in the cupboard and I don't have to go to drink Jell-O for three days straight if I feel like changing jobs. Besides, I never have to worry whether or not the chick selling me my Red Bull and vodka is a cop.

I do, however, love anti-drug commercials. They are either the most pitiful attempt at influencing the youth demographic I have ever seen, or the biggest inside joke in the history of public relations, I haven't decided yet. These commercials just plain laughable, either they're ridiculously cliche or they make stretches of logic that would make Mr. Fantastic be like "Damn."

Who can forget the one where the kids get high, are playing with a loaded gun, and the kid shoots his friend in the face? By the way bear in mind that this kid getting his brain Jackson Pollocked all over a suburban den had nothing to do with the proper securing of a firearm, but instead the recreational use of cannabis. So let me get this straight... It's perfectly okay to keep a loaded .357 in an unlocked desk drawer when you have kids in the house, but little Bobby tokes it up every once in a while you're a bad parent? Interesting theory...

Smoking pot isn't gonna make your kid shoot his friend in the face, but it might make him think it's hilarious.

This new one is my favorite though:

Okay first of all, let's get something straight; if you're so fucked up that you think your pets are talking to you, you're smoking something a lot harder that marijuana.

Second of all, does anyone really think that kids who are smoking pot care if their dog is disappointed in them? I mean this is better than the old strategy they used where the kid's friend would confront them which was just plain illogical because let's just be honest; if you're getting high, your friends are probably getting high too.

Heroin junkies get high by themselves. Potheads? not so much.

These commercials are not going to scare kids into not smoking pot. Hell most of these commercials would be absolutely HILARIOUS if you watched them while high, so that's not getting us anywhere with our target demographic.

Now I've been in sales for quite a long time. In sales we have a concept called the "hot button." The hot button is what matters most to your audience. Once you know what your customer's hot button is, if you're good, you can exploit it to sell them pretty much anything, it's basic psychology. So what's a teenager's hot button? Popularity. It always has been, it always will be.

If popularity can get homophobic 16 year old males to walk around in pink shirts with their collars popped and faux-hawks, it can get the same kid to stop smoking weed, I'm sure of it.

You want to scare kids into not doing drugs? Do a commercial about a 35 year old guy who lives in his mom's basement, drives a 1994 Toyota Corolla, and hasn't gotten laid in 10 years because he's smoked himself so retarded he can't get promoted past being a cashier at Office Max. Not only is that a reasonable leap to make, it's a hell of a lot scarier than a talking dog.

It's not rocket science, it's just market research. If the Office of National Drug Control Policy put the same effort into marketing that Abercrombie & Fitch does, I wouldn't have had a roommate in college who talked about the legalization of pot like it was the second coming of Jesus Christ.

"Dude, when the legalization comes, we're gonna be able to smoke anywhere we want to. You'll be able to go to Walgreen's to buy it man, and it'll be ten times better than the shit we have now. They already did it places in Europe and that stuff is unbelievable, and once they make it legal here we'll have stuff like that an we're gonna be able to smoke it everywhere and the cops won't be able to do shit. Plus, think of all the money the government is gonna be able to make if they tax it, (see inset above)"

The duck says... "Quack quack."

The cow says... "Mooooooooooo."

The Keanu says... "Whoa."

Like I said, I have nothing against people who like to smoke pot. I do, however, have a problem with people who are that fanatical about anything, but that's an entirely different story. I really don't care if they legalize marijuana or not, but guess what? Not gonna happen.

You want reasons? Here's two:

First of all, there's no way that I'm aware of to do a field sobriety test for Marijuana. So if you're driving in your car high, how are the cops supposed to tell if you're too high to drive legally? Sure if you're passed out at the wheel, you pry shouldn't be cruisin' downtown scopin' for chicks, but unfortunately they need a scientific measure that would hold up in court.

Second, the government has been telling us for over 50 years that marijuana is the devil. There is no way in hell (thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week and PLEASE take care of your waitresses, they've been taking care of you) they're gonna turn back now.

Regardless of whether or not pot is as bad as they say it is, or if it makes suburban kids turn into felons, or if it's a gateway drug to shooting horse with a hooker in a Soho motel bathroom, or when you smoke a joint an angel dies whatever, doesn't matter. If they change their story now, they're gonna look like assholes. If our government was okay with looking like assholes, we would've pulled out of Iraq a year ago. If thousands of young American lives aren't worth admitting they made a mistake, I really don't think Congress cares if some kid wants to get blazed out of his mind and watch The Wall and still be within the boundaries of the law.

Sorry buddy, I guess you'll have to get a real job and sell out to the man so you can afford a flight to Amsterdam.

Today's Lesson: If you really could get high on life, the CIA would be selling it.