Random Thoughts

Sorry kids, no pictures... I'm going substance over style on this one.

- Fact: The four people who actually subscribed to this blog just fell the fuck over dead in shock that I've actually made a post.

- Fact: The democrats are somehow going to find a way to lose the Presidential election this year. The current REPUBLICAN president has some of the lowest approval ratings ever, his cabinet is pretty much synonymous in the mainstream media with the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Yet somehow the democratic party is going to figure out a way to run itself so far into the ground in a protracted primary that John McCain will probably win. That's like winning the lottery and then not being able to find a 7-11. Howard Dean and the rest of the committee should have picked one, hit the other one with a tranq dart, and called it a fucking day a month ago.

- Fact: Suze Orman is a clown... if you're listening to this woman I'm seriously sorry. If wanted to listen to someone bitch people out with little or no basis in reality for an hour, I would have watched The Simple Life. (Ooooooo link... pretty) Seriously, this chick is a liability and pretty much a perfect example of what's wrong with all of these financial advising shows. I work in the finance industry, trust me if Suze really was even a halfway decent advisor, she wouldn't be on TV because she would be making way more money advising.

- Fact: If I went through the trouble of putting on pants and driving my happy ass to a nice Italian restaurant and then when I got done eating some dude came out and told me that Pizza Hut delivered the pasta, I would most definitely snap on somebody and there's about a 35% chance I leave in cuffs.

- Fact: The mainstream print media is dying. Without getting into too much detail, I had a reporter from a local paper call me the other day trying to get a comment from me for a story she was going to write painting my company in a bad light. I'm not offended she wanted to make me look bad as much as I'm offended she actually thought I was dumb enough to give her quotes to take out of context to put me on blast in the morning paper. I may be brash, I'm not fucking stupid. This is just a symptom of a much more serious problem though; the mainstream print media is so concerned with fledgling sales they're no long concerned with actually accurately reporting the news. The more sensational the story, villainous the antagonist, innocent the victim, the more copy that sells, regardless of whether or not the story is accurate or objective. Goodbye New York Times, hello National Enquirer. Honestly it's just disappointing, journalists are just as corrupt and money hungry as the "evil" people and corporations they supposedly "expose." Way to forget where you came from, die slow.

Fact: Wasted Education - Now with 20% more anger.

Today's Lesson: Libel is written, slander is spoken

Don't Call It A Comeback

Yeah it's been awhile... Let's cut out the pleasantries, I'm really busy with work so this is gonna be kinda like a drunken one night stand; we're gonna get right down to business and I'm gonna get you outta here before realize where I live to the point where you can find your way back here once you sober up.

It's the holiday season which to me means Christmas because I think Jesus is real like that. Couple of things about Christmas...

First of all Christmas carols... not a fan. I dunno if it's because I worked retail for like 138 years so I automatically associate the Little Drummer Boy with lines of impatient, pissed off rich people, or maybe I'm just a scrooge. Either way, I cannot stand them. Once I hear them my tolerance for the flaws of all other forms of life plummets, so I'm really hoping the bank I work for does not implement them in the in-office play. If they do, I might be in for another lay off because, not gonna lie, if I have to listen to someone threaten to pull out their $300, like I give a shit, if I don't waive a fee that they got through complete fault of themselves, WHILE listening to Silver Bells, I just might have an episode.

The other reason I think I'm against Christmas carols is because I can't really relate to them. I generally don't believe that music should be blissful and cheery. I'm more of the ilk that music should be a visceral, emotional experience which probably also explains why I'm not a huge fan of country music either. Granted, I don't know what it says about me as a person that I can relate more to Lil Wayne cooking crack in his kitchen than I can relate to the 8 pound 3 ounce baby Jesus away in a manger, but whattayagonnado?

Speaking of Jesus, as some of you know I have a pension for poker. I was watching the World Series of Poker main event from this year on ESPN, which is something I never do anymore, mostly because of things like this: Apparently the dude who won it all this year is some sort of born-again Jesus freak, which I really don't have a problem with. If you went through some bad shit in your life and then found God religion gave you the strength to overcome adversity, good for you. I come from the Malcolm X school of thought when it comes to making it through tragedy; by any means necessary. Here's the problem. I was watching this guy on TV and every time he was in a big hand, he would say things like "Please Jesus grant me the strength, oh thank you Jesus for allowing me to win..."

...

You're shitting me right?

Let me explain to you a little something about the do's and don't's of prayer. You do pray to God to help you make good decisions, deliver you from evil, allow you to be a morally strong individual, and pass an occasional midterm. You do not pray to God to win a poker game. Remember the Bible? Good. Okay now remember that part where Jesus went apeshit in the temple? God does not condone gambling. I'm not saying you shouldn't pray for assistance when you need it, I've done it before. All I'm saying is don't be surprised if this dude mysteriously gets cancer of the eyes sometime in the next year. Remember kids, God comes in two flavors: forgiving and merciful or angry and vengeful. Whether you get Mother Theresa or Harvey Keitel is up to you.

Second thing with Christmas is that they air these Jared Jewelers commercials non-fucking-stop where I live. Basically the gist of these things is, chick gets ring than brags to all her friends that, "He went to Jared," her friends swoon, guy looks great, all the other girls' boyfriends curse the name of dude who went to Jared for making them all look like chumps. Jared is a chain jewelry store here in the midwest... I repeat... JARED IS A CHAIN JEWELRY STORE. This means they sell trend diamond necklaces for $99.99 that they might as well hand you in a bag marked "Kingsford" He went to Jared, good for him, call me when he goes to Jakob. By the way, I could not find a Jared commercial on YouTube but I did find this fucking phenomenal parody... apparently I'm not the only person who thinks these commercials are inane:


That's pretty much it for now because honestly I'm a perfectionist and to format this thing up to my personal standards is pry gonna take me another two hours, but I'll try to come back soon.

Today's lesson: You can't get the Hope diamond at Wal-mart.

Some splaining to do... and "The List"

First of all, I want to apologize for the three week lay-off, but not completely. This may happen from time to time. Don't get me wrong, of the reasons I started this blog is because I love to write. At the same time I'm not going to sit here and make posts that I don't think are creative or entertaining just to fill space. Let's be honest, you guys probably don't give a shit about what goes on in my day to day life, (or maybe you do, who knows?) so I'm not going to bore you with "I went to work today, coffee was cold, it rained around lunch time, I stabbed a guy, blah blah blah)." I'm also not going to force myself to try to come up with stuff because, guess what, it's not gonna be THAT funny, (assuming the shit I put on here is even funny in the first place) and you are going to be disappointed and I'm going to feel like an jackass and a whore.

Okay now that we got that out of the way...

This may very well by my first recurring theme on this blog, so like any recurring theme it needs a title and I'm going to call it "The List" for the sake of not having an obscenity in the title of my recurring theme. Basically "The List" (catchy isn't it?) works like this. If someone is on "The List"(sick of it yet?) is basically means that if someone brings them up in conversation my first reaction is "Yeah, (insert name here)? Fuck that guy." It's really easy, let's start with an example.

Keith Olbermann.

If I wanted my news delivered to me by a self-righteous smarmy prick, I'd watch Fox news. He had a good thing going with the whole Sportscenter thing, mainly because Dan Patrick is the only person on the face of the Earth who can actually make him look like less of a condescending asshole. But no, you decided you wanted to do serious news so you kicked that gravy train in the ass. Keith now has a segment on Thursday/Sunday/DayAfterTomorrow night football on NBC called "The worst person in the NFL." So what does he do the first week? He immediately falls on his sword anoints himself as the worst person in the NFL for not being specific enough about how he feels about the Michael Vick debacle on the previous week's show.

Okay, I'm sorry man but either you get to recklessly pitch people under the bus from the window of your Ivory Tower... or you can be a pussy. What you don't get to do is have it both ways and somehow try to turn this horrible mistake of a segment into a noble act. Yeah, Keith Olbermann? Fuck that guy.

Okay now you obviously know how it works, and no I'm not going to end every one like that, it was just for the sake of example. Okay, next...

Kanye West.

Kanye has a new album coming out next week, which I will purchase because, let's be honest, that crazy bastard comes up with the catchiest beats I've ever heard. By the way, that whole thing about how he saves his best beats for his own CD? True Story. I'm gonna go ahead and postulate that this is one of the reasons Jay-Z had to retire, Congrats Hov, you've created a monster. Don't get me wrong, Kanye is a decent rapper but his beats are too good for him. Plus the guy is an asshole on multiple levels and I would much rather pay Jay-Z to listen to Kanye's beats than pay Kanye.

First of all the guy has a persecution complex so large that it will not fit in the back of his Benzo SUV. You're right Kanye, everyone is out to get you, that's why you're a fucking millionaire and the 35 year old mother of three who rang up my order yesterday works at Wal-mart.

Second of all he's just not stable. Who can forget the time after Katrina when he got all hopped up on racism and shocked the shit out of Mike Myers on national television? I get the whole part where "he didn't ask to be a role model, yadda yadda blah blah," and I'm not saying that he wasn't right or he doesn't have the right to express his opinion. However, if you're going to be a public figure and make millions of dollars and have kids look up to you, you have a responsibility to at least refrain from publicly saying things that could incite an all-out race war.

Before this thing gets dragged out longer than that pause before they went to Chris Tucker, (which by the way that was awesome because he just had a look on his face like "Damn, how the fuck am I supposed to follow that?"), I'll leave you with my third and final point: You don't get to make a CD about how you're the greatest rapper alive when IT'S ONLY YOUR SECOND ALBUM you cocky, ignorant prick.

Also, while we're setting the record straight, your name is Kanye West, not Kayne Luther King. If you really wanted to be a civil rights activist and help kids in the inner city, then maybe instead of buying another piece from Jakob, (sans conflict diamonds, of course) you could take that same amount money and donate it to the public school system in your home city of Chicago so the kids could have books that were actually printed after you were fucking born. END RANT. (I will freely admit that I have what could probably be considered an unhealthy level of disdain for this guy as a person, but I'm okay with that.)

And finally, this chick.

Kyla Ebbert, a 23 year old college student and Hooter's waitress who almost got kicked off of a Southwest flight because her outfit was too revealing. So this girl goes on the Today show to plead her case, as of course, she's suing the airline. So she stood up and modelled the outfit she wore on the flight, which really didn't look that revealing to be honest.

Until she went to sit down and they had to blur out her snatch, much to the disappointment of the nationwide television audience.

The best part was her mother then tried to defend her saying that she was right to wear said outfit, and it's absolutely ridiculous that she almost got kicked off the flight, AND feels that Southwest should have to pay for embarrassing her daughter...

I agree and disagree here. I agree that she should not have been kicked off the flight for what she wore. At the same time, if you're willfully wearing an outfit that makes your pussy the in-flight movie, you have no right to claim to be embarrassed by anything. Not even almost getting kicked off of a Southwest flight, which by the way I was unaware was actually possible.

I've flown Southwest once and it's basically the aviation equivalent of the The Road Warrior except gasoline = peanuts and generic cola. Basically, if you want a window seat and intend to keep it, you better hold onto the plastic fork that came with the Cinnabon you bought on the concourse.

And now that I think of it, after hearing her interview, this girl is clearly dumb as a bag of hammers, and with a bag over her head would actually be pretty hot. These facts make me pretty sure this whole media blitz/suing thing was mom's idea. In light of these developments I'm calling a last minute audible, Kyla's off the list, mom's on along their lawyer who made the brilliant comment that, "had this been Paris Hilton, they probably would have asked her if she needed a pillow and offer a drink." This a completely asinine argument...

Mainly because Paris Hilton would never fly on Southwest.

Today's Lesson: If when you get dressed in the morning you put on something that necessitates you also wear stylish underwear, you don't get to be offended when people complement you on how your thong matches your shoes.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up... (Which is why I have to do this for free.)

It has been a historic past couple of weeks in the world of sports. Barry Bonds has, for better or worse (see worse), eclipsed Hank Aaron's career home run record. Tom Glavine (thx Dimmy) has become the most recent, and quite possibly the last, pitcher to become a member of the exclusive 300 win club. Both of these events however have been surpassed by a story of even greater courage, determination, and fortitude. That's right, Adam "Pacman" Jones has made his first appearence as a professional wrestler.

Whore (hôr, hōr) - (n.) - A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.

(I did not post this to imply Pacman Jones is a whore. Quite the opposite, for as you can clearly see, in order to be a whore you must have principles.)

Every once in a while news stories come along that make you say "there's no way that really happened because it's just too perfect." An event that restores your faith in humanity to entertain while at the same time destroying your faith in humanity to sustain itself for any period of time. Let's face it, everyone likes to watch a train wreck, and the only thing better than a train wreck is a train wreck when the trains collide head-on while leaping through a ring of fire. Something so improbable, yet at the same time so predictable, that it just plain blows your fucking mind. But enough waxing philosophical...

I was trying to understand this on the way to work today, and after burning quite a bit of lean tissue pondering, I think I've got it. So if I'm an embattled professional athlete on suspension, with a reputation for not only making bad decisions, but making a spectacle of myself while making said bad decisions, the best way to rehab my image is to show up on a professional wrestling Pay-Per-View?

Shit... makes sense to me.

What else could go further toward proving that I am a humble, responsible, mature, and productive member of society than letting some cro-magnum freak hopped up on HGH (see Barry Bonds) put me through a table? The only way this could be better would be if he showed up waving a loaded gun around while the public address system played Fat Joe's "Make it Rain," remix ("Don't ask me what my name is, stupid bitch I'm famous," and yes, that's an actual lyric).

If Pacman Jones does not have an image management team he needs to hire one, stat. If he does have an image management team, they should be euthanized. Unless of course, and this would be entirely to perfect to be true, they all realized how completely asinine this was and told him to go ahead with it anyway while futilely trying to suppress their laughter. Either way these people are probably never working again after this, (note: this is probably not a true statement though it definitely should be) and anyone willing to commit career suicide for the sake of comedy is alright by me.

By the way, speaking of "Make it Rain," when did making it rain become a national news story? I was watching ESPN, oh about two weeks ago, and as part of the final rundown on PTI, they covered the fact that Jermain Taylor went to Flashdancers in NYC and made it rain. Now obviously this was one of the days that Kornheiser and Wilbon both had the day of, as they would never allow this mindlessness to waste 15 seconds of air time. The problem is, when stuff like this makes news, I begin to think that Tony and Mike are the only serious journalists left.

It's disgusting enough that these athletes have enough disposable jack to go to a strip club and facilitate precipitation greater than or equal to the country's average yearly income, should we really encourage this behavior by giving these self-absorbed stars the only thing they love more than money? Rhetorical.

Granted most of the times people do this, the strippers don't actually keep the money. But isn't that even worse? Taking part in behavior that might be considered slightly depraved is something I can live with. We all need to occasionally feed our vices so they don't become compulsions, it's only healthy. However, being cheap? That's just inexcusable.

If you're really in a position where you can afford to shower half naked women in money, then you should have enough cash that they can keep it when you're done. If you can't afford to blow $60,000 to help a couple of sexually empowered young ladies "pay for college," then you my friend, have no business "going to the Doppler."

Today's Lesson: You can't always get what you need, but sometimes, you can get what you want.

Honor Among Thieves

Okay, to anyone reading this who doesn't know anything about the game of poker, I apologize in advance. I would hope you would still read though as this post really isn't about poker, rather the backdrop is a poker game. If you don't know about poker and want to learn or if you know a lot about poker and would like to read more about it may I suggest Rex's, Virge's and the Pokersluts' blogs I have linked on the right hand side of the page.

Anyway, so I took my first vacation day since I started my new job today and decided I had the urge to feed one of my favorite vices; gambling.


Land based casinos are as of right now illegal in Illinois, so if you want to gamble you have to go to Indiana or go to the riverboats. One exception to this rule are charity "casino nights." If you're holding a "casino night" for the benefit of a charity, said charity may apply for and receive temporary gaming license... I love this country

Now as a result of the poker boom a couple of organizations have sprung up in my state that throw these casino nights for various charities. The charity supplies the people to run the "cash cage" to make it legal, and these organizations set up the events and provide the dealers. Hence, Chicago Charitable Games and Rockford Charitable Games together throw roughly five of these "casino nights," at which 95% of the action is some form of poker, a week. A rake (percentage) is taken from each pot or tournament played at these events and this is the money that goes to the hosting charity.

So I looked on the internet to see if one of these organizations was going to have an event in my area since, while the nearest river boat doesn't offer stakes as low as I wanted to play today, these events typically do. Low and behold, Chicago Charitable Games was holding an event about fifteen minutes, from my house so, I was all like "Yahtzee." Now Rockford Charitable Games has been doing these types of events for years, and I've been to many of their events and been happy with the experience. Chicago Charitable Games, other the other hand, is kind of a young upstart in the charity poker scene, only having organized their first event earlier this year.

Both of these companies have some issues, as most businesses operating inside legal loopholes do. The dealers that work for the company work solely for tips. So basically they're the same people that would have a job as a casino dealer if the casino dealers didn't have a decent hourly wage or health benefits. They're not bad people for the most part but definitely not the brightest crayons in the box.

Let's just put it this way, there is a lot of menthol cigarette smoking going on with this crowd. Now before like 5 of the 8 people who read this blog post accusing me of being racist, almost 90% of the dealers are white so slow your roll. I'm also not saying that if you smoke menthol cigarettes you are poor or uneducated or both. Some people just like menthols and that's cool. I've smoked them, they can be quite tasty. What I AM saying is if you are poor and uneducated and do you smoke, when you go to BP you're probably deciding between Newports, Kools, or Marlboro Menthol Lights (unless of course the perennial P-Funk Buy Two Get One is on the table). There's nothing wrong with it, but let's be honest with ourselves.

Anyway, the dealers, because they are provided by the company, are the same at every event. This means they know the regulars which is fine, that could happen at the casino as well. The difference between these events and the casino is that the dealers also sometimes play at the events when they on breaks from dealing. Usually this is not an issue at the Rockford events because for the most part their events are run very professionally. I have even seen a floor (think pit boss for you non-poker players) go against a player who is a dealer for the company.

So flash forward to today, I'm on my way to this event like a kid coming downstairs on Christmas morning. I get there and register for the tournament I saw online that I wanted to play in, and I get my seat. We're about to get started and two guys sit down immediately to my right. The guy closest to me, we'll call him "Paul," is a dealer for Chicago Charitable Games, the guy immediately to his right, we'll call him "Ringo," is apparently a regular. Paul and Ringo know each other and, for all intents and purposes, are assholes. For some reason, I feel a pit developing in my stomach. You probably see where this is going already, but don't worry I will recall it in gory detail anyway.

A little bit about me. I was no angel growing up. I got into multiple fights in grade/junior high/high school, but I've mellowed considerably with age. I've tried to adopt the old turn the other cheek, best revenge is to live well. I'm young, my heart is an open book, I say live and let live... all that shit.

Don't get me wrong, i still want to punch people in the throat, the difference is now I suppress the urge.

So the cards are in the air and I notice Paul and Ringo are showing each other their hands after one of them folds. There are two problems with this. First of all, poker is not a team game (usually); one person to a hand. Second, even if Paul is out of the hand, when Ringo shows him what he has, even though it doesn't affect the betting, Paul is getting information that nobody else at the table is getting. Poker is a game of information, so this is very not cool.

Now I like to give everyone a chance. The problem is that I can already tell that these two clowns have mouths on them; big fishes in the backyard pond that is the world of Charity Poker events. Honestly, I could give a fuck less; if you're king of the sewer it doesn't matter how nice your palace is, it still smells like shit all the time. Apparently they feel like big shots though so whatever keeps them from kicking the chair out when they go home alone every night. So I respectfully ask them:

"Can you guys do me a favor and please not share your hands with each other?"

Paul: "Dude what the fuck does it matter if I'm not in the hand?"

Okay, he might just be out of Kools and a little testy, let's try this again:

Me: "Well see the problem is though, you guys know what each other is playing, playing to a raise, calling with, etcetera, and the rest of us don't."

Paul: "That's fuckin' stupid, it doesn't fuckin' matter if I fuckin' show him my hand..."

Well, at least he's an articulate little son of a bitch isn't he?

Okay now I want to let this one slide because I think he might just be upset because he doesn't know what "etcetera" means, which is fine. We can't all be ex-journalism majors and the few big words I don't know scare me too, so I'm cool, but then his buddy chimes in.

Ringo: "I tell you what buddy... anytime I show him a hand just ask to see it and I'll show you if that will make you feel better."

Now I dunno how much time you all spend in poker rooms, so for those of you who aren't familiar with how these interactions work, basically right now he's talking in code. What he said loosely translates to "Fuck your mother."

Okay so I've gone from like a 2 to a 7, which means I've already envisioned killing both of these guys with my bare hands in three different ways in the theatre of my mind, but whatever. I remind myself that they're probably both career Office Max cashiers so I don't worry about it. The game continues to go on and they continue to talk shit. I continue to resist the urge to grab one of them by the throat, take him outside, and slam his head in a car door. All is well in our microcosmic utopia of poker.

Now this is the part where some of the non-poker people may get a little lost but just try to stay with me as best as you can, you'll get the important parts. Start pokerspeak...

So I have about 4500 in front of me and I wake up to AKos, Ringo is in the big blind. Blinds are 100/200, I make it 700 to go. Ringo calls. Flop comes QQ6, separate suits. I know at this point that not only is my AK good, but I'm getting pay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-id because this guy is so cocky that if I bet he's gonna come bounding over the top of me with air. I bet 1000. I know Ringo is going to shove over the top of me for the rest of his about 2600 and then if I fold show his bluff in a feeble attempt prove to everyone else at the table that he is a better person than me, in poker and life. That's how these jackasses think but whatever. So he takes his stack in his hand, and goes to throw it in the pot. He moves the chips past his cards, about a foot in and a half in front of him, making a clear and decisive move to throw them into the pot. I beat him into the pot, throwing my chips in. Ringo however has not let go, and now pulls his chips back.

Now those of you who do not play poker probably don't understand the problem. The problem here is that what Ringo did is blatantly illegal. If a player takes chips and makes a betting motion, he must complete that motion. If you pull the chips back after making such a motion, your chips must still go into the pot. Otherwise you are doing what is called "shooting an angle" which is basically poker-speak for "doing something that could get you stabbed with an ice pick."

I immediately pick up on this and notify the dealer. Three or four other people at the table chime in and agree with me as this is a pretty standard rule in every card room/casino but apparently NOT at this particular charity event. Ringo thinks those chips still belong to him, so we call over the floor. Now the floor is younger than I am and even though he's dressed business casual, it's painfully apparent he's faking his air of professionalism and just can't quite pull it off. If you guys don't know what I'm talking about here, go to any mid-market department store like Carson Pierie Scott or Marshall Fields and find the kid in the shirt, tie, dress pants, and lip ring. That's not the problem though. Here's the problem: The floor knows Paul and Ringo, he doesn't know me.

Apparently, this means that Ringo doesn't have to give me his chips and myself and the other now four people at the table who know the rule are painfully mistaken.

Needless to say, I am confused and saddened by this turn of events. I understand that by coming to these events and not being a "regular" some players may have an advantage over me because they know other players' tendencies and I don't. That's fine. I understand that the entire concept of these charity poker things is kinda shady to begin with so it's not going to be as professionally run as, say a game at a casino. I figure that's a fair trade for me not having to drive an hour each way. What I'm not okay with is being outright cheated.

If you're going to have a shady business, that's fine, but you never cheat your customers. Most gamblers especially understand that their chosen past time is not necessarily always within the boundaries of local law. They're usually okay with this though, as long as the integrity of the game is sound. One thing gamblers can't stand, legal or illegal, is a crooked game.

You could have an illegal backroom card game that is run by the mafia and dealt by 5 year old children from a third world country that get paid three cents an hour and it will be packed every night if the action is good. But it doesn't matter if the game is in the heart of Las Vegas, dealt by Miss America, with all proceeds going to cancer research, if the game is outed as being crooked you'll lose your clientele faster than you can say "Hey, how did that tumbleweed get in here?" Not to mention the fact that depending on who said clientele is, you just might just wake up in the middle of the night to knock on your front door from someone sent to seriously fuck your day up.

But I'm past that by this point. I'm more like the father whose daughter runs out immediately on her 18th birthday and gets a tattoo on her lower back and her tongue pierced.

I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.

By the way, both lower back tattoos and tongue rings are hot, so I really don't have a problem with either of them, in fact quite the opposite. That said, God forbid I have daughter and she gets either one of those things, she's getting shipped out to a convent in the middle of the South American jungle the next morning.

I should probably try to get back on topic here instead of being distracted by tongue rings and lower back tattoos (as I often am).

When we last left off, Ringo is absolutely giddy by this point, as he gets to keep his chips and has "pulled one over on me." Because of this he is celebrating by letting everyone know how "smart he is" for not putting his chips in the pot and how dumb I am for "acting too quick."

You can't spell "class" without an "ass."

This brings me to my next point.

I'm running for President in 2008, and I'm going to win. My platform is simple.

I promise, if elected, to make it legal to punch anyone over the age of 18 and under the age of 65 in the face once.



I'm thoroughly convinced this would law would make the United States of America the most polite country in the world. This law would effectively eradicate all racism, sexism, and other forms of discrimination from our society.

BMW and Mercedes Benz owners would yield to Toyota Corollas in traffic.

The everyday consumer would actually be nice to customer service people.

Everyone would tip 20%.

Let's be honest, we would all be a lot nicer to each other if there was a chance that if we weren't, we just might get jacked in the face. Now I know this sounds barbaric to some at first but you have to realize the psychology behind our new law.

The idea isn't that anyone will now be able to punch someone in the face without fear of consequence.

The idea is that the fear of a punch to the face will prevent people from doing things that cause them to deserve one.

Like a first kiss, or a first job, the day a person learns the humbling fact that "ain't nobody above as ass-whipping" is an important right of passage that is vital if one is to become a productive and functioning member of society.

It's a well known fact, that for the most part people are either talkers or fighters. People talk shit because they can't fight and people who can fight don't have to talk shit because, well, they can fight; natural selection has smiled on them and they have nothing to prove. Now normally this would be alright, but unfortunately the way our current legal system is arranged people who have no right whatsoever to talk shit are allowed to run their mouths whenever they please with minimal fear of reprisal. This must be corrected, and once I am elected this law will present us all with the solution set to this algebraic equation of injustice.

So remember when you step into that ballot box on election day 2008, if this ever-changing world in which we live in makes you give in and cryyyyyyyyyyy...

Vote for me.

Today's lesson: If you're gonna be dishonest, you had better at least be honest about it.

Come Original (Please For The Love of God)

Okay, we need to have a talk about TV.

Don't get me wrong there have been some decent new shows in the past year or so. Deadliest Catch; good shit. Let's be honest, if you're going to have a show and the theme song is going to be "Wanted Dead Or Alive" by Bon Jovi, it had better be a pretty fucking good show, (say what you want about Bon Jovi and his haircare and the horrible excuse for recycling that were his last two albums, that song rocks you everything you care about.)

Obviously, Entourage. This is the greatest show on television. If you don't believe me consider the fact that this conversation has probably been had at the HBO offices on more than one occasion:

Exec 1: "So basically, what you're telling me is we have a hit show that's basically just a half hour about some famous dude and his friends running around La-La land trying to get puss?"

Exec 2: "Yeah... and it wins Emmy's."

Oh yeah, and when you have some free time IMDB Kevin Dillon, because even if I tell you Johnny Drama was in Platoon, you're not gonna believe me. In fact, if I'm not mistaken his character's nickname in Platoon was "Bunny," so if you've seen the episode of Entourage from two Sundays ago, ("Day Fuckers") you'll know why the obscure reference gods are smiling.

Plus crazy props to USA for pulling the Exacta with "Psych" and "Burn Notice." Psych is by far the better of the two, but Burn Notice, while not as good as Psych, is not that bad. Besides, the former counter-culture kid in me wants to stand up and clap just seeing Bruce Campbell working again (Ahoy indeed, my friend). Not to mention the main character's girlfriend is fuckin' smokin', except the missed out on the the 3x hotness multiplier they would have hit had they kept the Irish accent she had in the pilot.

I can't forget about Jericho. Since when does a network actually bring back a phenomenal show after cancelling it due to public outcry? Somebody lost their job over bringing that show back, they had to. Intelligent people aren't allowed to be network executives. Congratulations on finally doing something that Fox didn't even have the stones to try.

That's not what we need to talk about though.

Alas kiddies, all is not well in TV land. There is a new scourge threatening the very fabric of all that is holy on basic cable. I'm talking, of course, about...

Bounty Girls Miami.

Tim Chapman is not pleased.
Between this and "Ice Road Truckers" it's painfully apparent that Hollywood has run the fuck out of new ideas. I'm thoroughly convinced at this very minute there is a room somewhere at Discovery Networks where there is a person wondering aloud, "Hey remember The Godfather? We could probably sell advertising during a shitty version of that."

But I digress... A couple of thoughts on this one. First of all, Bounty Girls Miami? Not to be a dick, but who told these chicks this was a good business plan? Granted the one looks like an absolute man-beast (and honestly when I say "the one" you can pretty much take your pick, but in this particular case referring to "Jag"). Let's be honest though, Beth still has 38 pounds and a Twinkie on the four of them put together; these girls are not scaring anyone.

Dog and Tim look like they got lost on the way to Summerslam, and people try to fight them. These girls look like the got lost on the way to Curves, I don't think it's an illogical assumption to make that somebody is gonna try to slap the shit out of these poor women. I'm not sayin' it's right, I'm just sayin' they better have Quinton Jackson for their cameraman because if I was flyin' on PCP and they came to my house, I would most definitely have my "Shiiiiiiiiiiiit ain't no way in hell I'm goin' back to jail," T-shirt on.

As a quick side note, if you're one of these people who is a die hard boxing fan but will not watch MMA because you find it "barbaric," you seriously need to burn that soapbox right now. Besides, watching it go up in flames will pry be more dramatic and riveting than any WBO Heavyweight fight you're going to see anytime soon.

Second of all, does Court TV honestly think that there's room for more than one show about a team of people running down drug addicted bail jumpers? Let's just be honest with ourselves, people do no watch DTBH because they want to see bounty hunters hunt down bail jumpers. People watch DTBH (aside, of course, from not wanting to miss the episode where they finally give Tim an asp,) because nothing makes for better television than a former drug addict who is prone to begin waxing philosophical at a moment's notice. If Court TV wants to try to compete for the DTBH demographic (which, btw, is everyone), they're better off going after syndication rights for episodes of "I'm With Busey."

All that being said, if they give these chicks tasers all bets are off and my Tivo says "Feed me."

Speaking of real life crime drama, has anyone seen commercials for this new show "Murder" on Spike? Basically the premise is as follows; "Hey, everyone is mesmerized like an 18 year old kid getting his first table dance by 12 different versions of CSI, so let's make a reality show where we take a group of people we found wandering around outside the studio lot and have them try to solve REAL crimes."

Just out of random curiosity, how is this even fucking legal?

So you have real people's real dead bodies, and real crimes, and people who are not at all real cops? If I do ever kill someone I hope to God it makes this show because I could confess and go with a public defender and still skate. The only people worse that the people who came up with, financed, and then proceeded to green light this match made in hell are the families of the victims who I'm sure signed forests of waivers and took home a decent chunk of jack so their newly dead relatives could could get their posthumous 15 minutes. If "The Real World" and CSI we supposed to go together, somebody would have shot Puck. Come to think of it, someone probably should have shot Puck.

Rounding it out with the ugly; "The Kill Point." Spike needs to stop making original shows that aren't about the UFC. If you make a show about a hostage situation resulting from a bank robbery done by a bunch of guys who are ex-military and you somehow figure out a way to make it boring, the Etch-A-Sketch that is your Creative Department is in dire need of a good shaking.

Okay, a private detective who is OCD? Solid. A hostage negotiator who is obsessed with grammar? Stupid. If you haven't seen this show let me give you a glimpse. Donnie Wahlberg's character and one of his antagonists are in the middle of heated, climactic dialogue. Then, just when you think the confrontation is going to reach it's breaking point, he decides to make his crushing point by dissecting the antagonist's sentence structure.

No really, I'm serious.

While this would probably cause my Freshman English teacher from high school to have to clean the hardwood floor under her recliner with a mop and bucket, the rest of the world is cringing. Cringing like you do when you think about that one time back in college when the guy/girl you had a crush on actually sat down next to you at that party and instead of coming up with something witty or sexy to say you instead began sweating profusely until you inexplicably got up and ran out of the room, (carpe diem, baby).

Yeah it's that bad, if you don't believe me, check out an episode. Just remember, you're not getting that hour of your life back, no matter how many times you ask.

Today's Lesson: They call it a cash box because it's where you keep your cash.

Bonus Lesson just for Spike TV: Little known fact, Mark Wahlberg and Donnie Wahlberg? Not the same guy.

Freebie

New post in production currently, but meanwhile I have to give a shameless plug to a couple of people I think are probably two of the smartest comedians out there right now. And no, I'm not talking about Dane Cook.

Patton Oswalt and Lewis Black.

Below I have provided Amazon links to a couple of their CDs and DVDs

http://www.amazon.com/Wasted-Education-Reccomendation-List/lm/R31J1ZPB37L8GM/ref=cm_lm_pdp_title_full/104-6912598-1536752

I also added a DVD by David Spade and a double disc by Henry Rollins. I don't recommend these as strongly as the selections by Oswalt and Black but Spade shows that he is most likely criminally under-rated as a stand-up comic and Rollins is just an all around great story teller with a great, albeit dark, sense of humor.

By the way this link isn't set up so that if you buy this stuff and I get cash, that's what the ads on the side of the page are for (HINT HINT). I just assume that if you find my blog entertaining you probably have at least a similar sense of humor to myself and I wanted to share a couple of performances I thoroughly enjoyed that you probably haven't heard about.

Love,

Huck