I Can't Make This Stuff Up... (Which is why I have to do this for free.)

It has been a historic past couple of weeks in the world of sports. Barry Bonds has, for better or worse (see worse), eclipsed Hank Aaron's career home run record. Tom Glavine (thx Dimmy) has become the most recent, and quite possibly the last, pitcher to become a member of the exclusive 300 win club. Both of these events however have been surpassed by a story of even greater courage, determination, and fortitude. That's right, Adam "Pacman" Jones has made his first appearence as a professional wrestler.

Whore (hôr, hōr) - (n.) - A person considered as having compromised principles for personal gain.

(I did not post this to imply Pacman Jones is a whore. Quite the opposite, for as you can clearly see, in order to be a whore you must have principles.)

Every once in a while news stories come along that make you say "there's no way that really happened because it's just too perfect." An event that restores your faith in humanity to entertain while at the same time destroying your faith in humanity to sustain itself for any period of time. Let's face it, everyone likes to watch a train wreck, and the only thing better than a train wreck is a train wreck when the trains collide head-on while leaping through a ring of fire. Something so improbable, yet at the same time so predictable, that it just plain blows your fucking mind. But enough waxing philosophical...

I was trying to understand this on the way to work today, and after burning quite a bit of lean tissue pondering, I think I've got it. So if I'm an embattled professional athlete on suspension, with a reputation for not only making bad decisions, but making a spectacle of myself while making said bad decisions, the best way to rehab my image is to show up on a professional wrestling Pay-Per-View?

Shit... makes sense to me.

What else could go further toward proving that I am a humble, responsible, mature, and productive member of society than letting some cro-magnum freak hopped up on HGH (see Barry Bonds) put me through a table? The only way this could be better would be if he showed up waving a loaded gun around while the public address system played Fat Joe's "Make it Rain," remix ("Don't ask me what my name is, stupid bitch I'm famous," and yes, that's an actual lyric).

If Pacman Jones does not have an image management team he needs to hire one, stat. If he does have an image management team, they should be euthanized. Unless of course, and this would be entirely to perfect to be true, they all realized how completely asinine this was and told him to go ahead with it anyway while futilely trying to suppress their laughter. Either way these people are probably never working again after this, (note: this is probably not a true statement though it definitely should be) and anyone willing to commit career suicide for the sake of comedy is alright by me.

By the way, speaking of "Make it Rain," when did making it rain become a national news story? I was watching ESPN, oh about two weeks ago, and as part of the final rundown on PTI, they covered the fact that Jermain Taylor went to Flashdancers in NYC and made it rain. Now obviously this was one of the days that Kornheiser and Wilbon both had the day of, as they would never allow this mindlessness to waste 15 seconds of air time. The problem is, when stuff like this makes news, I begin to think that Tony and Mike are the only serious journalists left.

It's disgusting enough that these athletes have enough disposable jack to go to a strip club and facilitate precipitation greater than or equal to the country's average yearly income, should we really encourage this behavior by giving these self-absorbed stars the only thing they love more than money? Rhetorical.

Granted most of the times people do this, the strippers don't actually keep the money. But isn't that even worse? Taking part in behavior that might be considered slightly depraved is something I can live with. We all need to occasionally feed our vices so they don't become compulsions, it's only healthy. However, being cheap? That's just inexcusable.

If you're really in a position where you can afford to shower half naked women in money, then you should have enough cash that they can keep it when you're done. If you can't afford to blow $60,000 to help a couple of sexually empowered young ladies "pay for college," then you my friend, have no business "going to the Doppler."

Today's Lesson: You can't always get what you need, but sometimes, you can get what you want.